Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one…
Customer: Hi, this is Celine .. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… Sorry…
Tech support: ; Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you click on ‘start’ for me and….
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates..
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it.
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.
Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah that one does work..
Tech support: Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.’
Tech support: ‘Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.’
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: ‘P’…..on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now, that’s more like it.)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
On average, people fear spiders more they they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of….? Did the government pay for this research?)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew? Who cares? Did the government pay for this too?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while it’s head is attached to its body. The female initiates reproductive sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Hi, honey. I’m home. What the…?)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)
Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don’t have brains. (I know some people like this too.)
An computer programmer is walking along the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll spend the week with you.” The computer programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you for a week and be your girlfriend.” Again the computer programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Desperately, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and be your girlfriend. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The computer programmer said, “Look, I’m an computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog? Now that’s cool.”
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or the mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, “I like both.”
Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.”
Dave is struggling through the Dallas airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a man stops him and says “Pardon me, do you have the time?”
Dave sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to three”, he says.
“Thanks, that’s a pretty fancy watch”, says the man.
Dave smiles. “Yes, I invented it. Check this out.”, and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone on earth but for the one hundred largest cities. He hits a few buttons and from inside the watch a voice with a Southwestern accent says “It’s twelve minutes to three, pardner.” “And listen to this”, says Dave, pushing the code for London, England. “It’s eleven minutes before ten, old chap”, says a voice with a British accent. “The voice quality is incredible, isn’t it,” says Dave, “but that’s not all … here’s a street map of Dallas.” And a tiny but very high-resolution map appears on the screen. “The flashing dot shows exactly where we are by satellite positioning”, Dave explains …”and if you want to see a larger area, just say aloud ‘Recede’ and the display changes to show the State map of Texas.”
“I can’t believe this” says the man. “I want to buy your watch.”
“Oh, no,” says Dave, “I’m still working out the bugs … it’s not ready for sale yet, but look at this.” And he demonstrates the watch’s menu of one hundred Hollywood films, the complete works of Shakespeare, the nine symphonies of Beethoven and the complete works of Mozart played by the London Philharmonic Orchestra.
“I’ve gotta have this watch” says the man. “Name your price.”
“No, sorry,” says Dave, “it’s still not ready.”
“I’ll give you $1000 for it.”
“I’ve already spent more than that developing it.”
“OK, $5000”, says the man.
“But it’s not ready” explains Dave once again.
“Look” says the man, opening his briefcase. “Here’s $25,000 in hundreds. Take it or leave it.”
Dave hesitates. He has only invested about $8000 in time and materials. With $25,000, he can make another, and add some new features. “OK, it’s a deal”, says Dave, slipping the watch off his wrist and handing it to the man, as he accepts the packets of bills.
They shake hands and the man starts happily on his way.
“Hey, wait a minute!” calls Dave.
The man turns around warily. Dave points to the two suitcases he had been struggling with to get through the terminal. “Here,” says Dave, “don’t forget your batteries.”
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maxi- mum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA’s response was just one sentence, “Thaw the chicken.”