Hold on tight…
- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
- A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal”. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
- “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green ,Green Grass of Home’. The doctor says, “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” The man asks, “Is it common?” The doctor says, “Well, it’s Not Unusual.”
- Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
- Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this BS before.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – you lost your arms!”
- I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
- Two peanuts walked into a seedy bar and unfortunately, one was a salted.
- Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!
That’s all folks!
A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady’s cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, “If this new vacuum doesn’t pick up every bit of dirt then I’ll eat all the dirt.”
The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, “Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?”