Chess Players and Bragging Rights

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel for a big chess convention.  The chess players were standing in the center of the lobby, gathered in a large circle, discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?”, they asked, as they moved away from the center of the lobby.

“Because,”‘ the hotel manager said ‘”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

 

 

Have you read Marx?

Two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history, were on a two-week stay at a vacation resort with their wives.  While the wives shopped in town, the two old men were sitting on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set on the horizon.

The history professor said to the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?”

To which the professor of psychology replied, “Yes, I think it’s the wicker chairs.”

 

But I just gotta reach the door

It was the day of the big sale.  Rumors of the sale and some clever advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 6:30 in the morning in front of the store.  A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man’s second attempt to reach the door of the store, he was punched square in the jaw, shoved around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.  As he got up for the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If I get hit one more time, I won’t open the store!”

The talking clock

A young lad was proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend.  The college student led the way into the living room where the friend noticed a large gong and hammer sitting against one wall.

“What’s the big brass gong and hammer over there?”, the friend asked.

“That is a talking clock,” the lad replied.

“Really, how does it work?”

“Watch, ” the lad said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering hit with the hammer.

Suddenly, a voice screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot!  It’s two o’clock in the morning!”

The benefits of etiquette school

Two fine southern ladies were sitting on the front porch having some iced tea and enjoying each other’s company.  One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says “Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn’t it nice?”

The other woman replies, “Oh that’s nice, that’s real nice.”

The first woman then says , “And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises.”

The second woman again replies, “Oh that’s nice, that’s real nice.”

“Well sweetheart doesn’t your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?”

“Oh”, the second woman responds, “When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school.”

“Why’d he do that?” the first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, “Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don’t give a care, but now I say that’s nice, that’s real nice.”

 

The secret to his success

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head’s office.   He’s a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.  While I was in his office yesterday I asked him “Sir, What is the secret of your success?”

He said “two words.”

“And, Sir, what are they?”

He said: “Right decisions.”

“But how do you make right decisions?”

“One word.” he responded.

“And, sir, What is that?”

He said: “Experience.”

“And how do you get Experience?”

“Two words.” he responded

“And, Sir, what are they?”

“Wrong decisions.” he said.

Helping a Lady Unzip her Dress

When the bus arrived at it’s stop, an attractive woman at the head of the queue tried to board but couldn’t because of her tight-fitting clothes.  Thinking quickly, she reached back and undid her zipper a little to allow more movement.  Still, her outfit was too snug so she lowered her zipper again.  Even a third attempt wasn’t enough to allow her to step up.

Tired of waiting, the man behind her gently grabbed her round the waist and hoisted her onto the bus.

“Who do you think you are to touch me in that way?” the woman exclaimed angrily.

“Well,” the man replied, “after you undid my fly, I thought we were pretty good friends.”