Make sure you know your pilot before you take off

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire.  Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.  He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go!   Let’s go!”  The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!   I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

Jokes by numbers

A out of towner is sitting in a bar in a remote Australian town. The newcomer hears people yell out numbers (42, 16, 28, and so on) and then everyone laughs.  He asks the bloke next to him what’s going on, and he explains that  the jokes have been told so many times before that people just yell out their numbers instead of retelling the entire joke all over again.

So the man yells out “27!”, but nobody laughs.

The bloke next to him shrugs his shoulders and says, “Ah well, some people can tell a joke, and some people can’t.”

A head walks into a bar

A head walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink, and after he is finished, Boom! A torso appears.

So the head asks for another drink and after he finishes, Bang! Arms come out of the torso.

So the head asks the bartender for another drink and when he has finished, Wham! Legs appear.

The head is thinking, “Hey, this stuff is great,” so he asks the bartender for one more drink for the road and Bang! His whole body disappears.

The bartender turns to him and says, “You should have quit while you were a head.”

A seagull crapped in my eye

A sailor and a pirate are talking each a bar. Their chat soon turns to their sea adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting wars with the navy, and the pirate tells of robbing ships and killing his enemies. The sailor notices that the pirate has an eye patch, a hook and a peg leg, and asks, “How did you get the peg leg?”

The pirate replies, “When I was thrown off my ship and floated for two days until my crew rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark as I was being pulled out of the water.”

The sailor, impressed, says, “Wow! That”s very exciting. But what about the hook?”

The pirate smiles, shining the hook on his coat sleeve. “When I was sword-fighting with an enemy pirate for treasure, he took it right off.”

The sailor”s eyes are wide with awe at how tough this pirate is, and he asks, “How did you get the eye patch?”

“Well,” says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit, “a seagull pooped in my eye.”

The sailor looks puzzled. “You lost an eye from seagull poop?”

The pirate sighs and shakes his head. “It was my first day with the hook.”