Wise Saying for not so Wise People

The following are wise sayings from Funny Grins’ very own Jokester.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!

Famous Funny Quotes

“You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneris

“I’m not into working out.  My philosophy: No pain, no pain.” – Carol Leifer

“A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.” – Shelley Berman

“Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.  They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger.  Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.” – Billiam Coronel

“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Dave Edison

“Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?  But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.”- Steve Bluestone

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.  They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

“Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.” – Johnny Carson

“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.” – Will Rogers

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” — Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”  – James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know.” – Abraham Lincoln

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill

Things to Ponder

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?”

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Did You Ever Wonder Why?

Did Ya’ Ever Just Wonder…

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it’s zero outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you’re born again, do you have two belly buttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why do they call them “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?

Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Questions and Answers

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 500 women went down on the Titanic.

The crazy things that walk into a bar

A golf club walks into a bar and orders a beer, but the bartender refuses to serve him.  “Why not?” asks the golf club.  “You’ll be driving later.”

A $5 note walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out! This is a singles bar.”

A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Please, no stories!”

A number 12 walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a pint of beer. “Sorry, I can’t serve you,” says the bartender.  “Why not?” asks the number 12 angrily.  “You’re under 18,” replies the bartender.

A soccer ball walks into a bar.  The bartender kicks him out.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The bartender says, “I’m not serving you, you’re out of your skull!”

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar and the bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

A man walks into a bar with jumper leads.  The bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, you’re a pickle! What are you doing here?”  The pickle says, “Well, for starters, I’m
celebrating the fact that I can walk.”

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…