Get me a drink before it starts

A man arrives at his home after an exhausting day at work.  He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a drink before it starts.” The wife rolls her eyes, sighs and gets him a drink.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another drink before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another drink and slams it down on the table next to him.

The man finishes that dring and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another drink, it’s going to start any minute.”

By this time, the wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink and sit on your lazy butt in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started …”



Excuse for traffic citation

A man going through his mid-life crisis purchased a brand new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.  The top was down, the wind was blowing through what was left of his hair, and feeling spry, he decided to see how fast this new baby could go.  As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100…. then the reality of the situation hit him.

“What the heck am I doing?  I could go to jail over this.” he thought.

He slowed down the car and pulled over.  The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and I don’t much feel like doing any paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your hazardous driving that I haven’t heard before, I will let you go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

Airline introduces half-price fare for wives of businessmen

A popular airline recently introduced a new special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great success and feedback from their marketing promotion, the airline sent out letters to wives of all the businessmen who had used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip.

The airline is befuddled from the hundreds of responses they received from the wives asking, “What trip?”


The unfaithful groom

A young couple are recently married.  Seeking some privacy, the groom asks his new bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own with the condition that she never opens the drawer.  The bride agrees.

After 25 years of marriage, the bride notices that the secret drawer has been left open.  She decides to take a peek and inside the drawer she finds 3 golf balls and $1,000 in cash.

She angrily confronts the husband demanding an explanation.  The husband explains, “Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer to remind me of the indescrtion I made.”

The bride figures that 3 times in 25 years is not so bad but asks, “But what about the $1,000?”

The groom explains, “Whenever I get a dozen golf balls, I sold them.”


You cannot marry your half brother

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend to meet her father.  She tells her father that she wants to marry the young man.  After discussing the relationship for a while, the father tells the daughter that she cannot marry the boy because he is her half brother.

Over the course of the next couple of years, this same dilemma occurs five more times.  Each time the girl brought a boy home to meet the father, the father revealed that the boy was her half brother.

After a while, the girl starts to get very angry.  She storms into the kitchen and confronts the mother.  “Mom, what the hell have you been doing all your life?  Dad’s been going around town and having kids with the ladies in the city and now there are five boys that I’ve loved very much and cannot marry them because they are my half brothers!”

Her mom smiles slyly and says, “Don’t worry darling, you can marry any one of them.  He isn’t really your father.”


How my Luck would be Without you

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.  One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.  As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?  You have been with me through all the bad times.   When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were there.  When I got shot, you were by my side.  When we lost the house, you stayed right here.  When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear”, she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

Marry my Daughter or Spend Twenty Years in Jail

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.  She put on her robe and went downstairs.  He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.  He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.  She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter dear?  Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

“Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes, I do,” she replied.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter and make her a respectable woman, or spend twenty years in jail?”

“Yes, I do,” she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know . . . I would have gotten out today.”

Pack my Pajamas, I’m Going Fishing

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.  We’ll be gone for a week.  This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.  We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.  Oh! and please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.  The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.  He says, “Yes! lots of walleye, some bluegill, and a few pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”

The wife replies; “I did, they were in your tackle box.”