Jake’s Dying Confession to his Wife

Jake was dying.  His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.  She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.  Her praying roused him from his slumber.  He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.  “My darling Becky,” he whispered.

“Hush, my love,” she said.  “Rest. Shhh, don’t talk.”

He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice.  “I . . . I have something I must confess to you.”

“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky.  “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”

“No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I . . . I once kissed your Sister, held hands with your best friend, and went on a date with your Mother!”

“I know” Becky whispered softly. “That’s why I poisoned you.”

I Recognize You by your Uniform

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.  Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.   She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”

“Yes, I am,” said the officer.

“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief’s uniform?!”

Polish Death by What?

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.  The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten you?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did you hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill you?”

“No.”

” Then why in God’s name did you think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found a bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me.”

He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.   The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh.  The immigrant became indignant and said, “What’s so funny?  Can’t you see the label on the bottle says `Polish Remover’?”

What Women Really Mean

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = No.

I’m sorry = You will be sorry……..

We need = I want.

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what ever you want = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk= I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.

You’re so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

It Takes a Woman to be a CIA Agent

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.  These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.   After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job.  The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances” they explained.   “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.   Take this gun and kill her.”

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, “You can’t be serious! could never shoot my own wife!”

“Well”, says the CIA man, “You’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.  “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances”, they explained to the second man.  “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her.”

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife.   I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes.   Take your wife and go home.”

Now they’re down to the woman left to test.   Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.  “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair.   Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door.   Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing.  One shot after another for 14 shots.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.  The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.   She wiped the sweat from her brow and said “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!  I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

Quick, get the escargot to the party

Frantically readying for a fancy French party, the wife asks the husband if he can run to the store and buy some escargot for the party.  “Sure!”, he says and tears out the door.  On the way he decides to stop at his favorite bar for a quick drink.  After and hour or so, he looks at his watch and suddenly remembers what he was supposed to be doing.  He dashes to the gourmet store , grabs the escargot, and frantically drives home.  When he walks through the door and into his living room, he hears his wife approaching from the kitchen.  He looks around the room for some way out, takes the bag of snails, and quickly throws them on the floor.  When his wife walks into the room he says, “Come on guys, we’re almost there.”

Hello? Can I have the Moon?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: “Hello?”

Woman: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

Man: “Yes.”

Woman: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It’s only $1,000.  Is it okay if I buy it, sweetie?”

Man: “Sure… go ahead if you like it that much.

I want you to be happy.”

Woman: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models.  I saw one that I really liked.  It’s a beautiful silver.”

Man: “How much?”

Woman: “$60,000”

Man: “Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

Woman:”Great! Oh, and just one more thing… the house we wanted last year is back on the market.  They’re asking $950,000.”

Man: “Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $895,000.”

Woman: “Okay. Thank you darling — you’re wonderful!  I’ll see you later!  I love you!”

Man: “Bye, I love you too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.   Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”