The Centipede

The Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.”

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?”

[Wait for it…]

This time, a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m putting my shoes on!”

I’m not a priest but maybe I can apply what I’ve learned and lend a helping hand anyway

A man is crossing a busy street in New York City when he is unexpectedly struck by a bus. As the man lies dying on the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

A policeman looks around, checks the crowd.  No priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Suddenly, out of the crowd steps a little old scruffy man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the old fellow over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ."

The Pope’s golf challenge – which religion is the best

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

“Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.”

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “We’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres … We can’t lose!”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Second?!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!”

“No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”

God, please help me find a parking spot

A man is harried, frantic, and nervous.  He’s late for an interview, and he’s been driving around the block for 20 minutes trying to find a spot.

In desperation, he looks to the heavens and pleads “God, if you will give me a parking spot right now, I promise, I’ll give up drinking forever.”

Just then, a parking spot opens up right in front of him.  He looks back up to God and says “nevermind, found one.”

Funny you should come to me about this

A Jewish man was deeply troubled by the way his son had turned out.  He went to see his local Rabbi about it.

“I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah.  It cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian.  Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the Rabbi. “Like you, I, too, raised my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, only to have him come to me one day and tell me he has decided to become a Chrsitian.”

“What did you do?” Asked the lawyer.

“I turned to God for the answer, of course,” replied the Rabbi.

“And what did he say?”

He said, “Funny you should come to me…”

The Amish solution to Beauty

A teenage Amish boy and his father were in a new multi-story shopping mall.  They were amazed at all the modern technology that they saw but were especially impressed with the two shiny, silver walls that opened up to allow people in and then slid back together again leaving the people enclosed in the little box.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, having never seen an elevator, replied, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.  I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were mesmerized by the strange contraption, an old, fat lady shuffled to the moving walls and pressed the button.  The walls opened up and the lady crept slowly through them into the small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as the lighted numbers above the walls counted upward, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

They continued to watch until the last number was reached at which time the numbers began lighting up in reverse order.  Finally, the walls opened up again and a beautiful 25-year old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the beautiful young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your mother.”

Griping about the poor monastery conditions

Brother Alfred entered the Monastery of Silence and the Abbot said, “Brother, this is a silent monastery.  You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so….”.

Brother Alfred lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbot said to him, “Brother Alfred, you have been here for five years.  You can speak two words.”

Brother Alfred said, “Hard bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Abbot said, “we will get you a better bed…”

After another five years, Brother Alfred was called again by the Abbot… “It is time, Brother Alfred – you may say another two words.”

“Cold food,” said Brother Alfred, and the Abbot assured him that the food would be better in the future….

On his fifteenth anniversary at the monastery, the Abbot again called Brother Alfred into his office. “Again, Brother Alfred . . . two words you may say today.”

“I quit,” said Brother Alfred.

“It’s probably for the best,” said the Abbot, “You’ve done nothing but gripe since you’ve been here.”

George Bush Greets Moses

After a campaign tour, George W. Bush was waiting in the airport for his flight to be called.  Off at the edge of the waiting area, Bush saw a tall man with white hair and a flowing white beard.  The guy was dressed in a robe, and he was carrying two large, flat pieces of stone, carved with what looked like Hebrew words.  George W. walked up to the guy, who seemed uncomfortable being so close to George. “Excuse me, sir,” said Bush, “but aren’t you …Moses??”

The stranger turned away, but George was insistent and kept at the guy.  “You *are* Moses … I’d recognize you anywhere!”  And finally, “Why are you so rude?  Can’t you at least say hello?”

To which Moses replied, “The last time I talked to a Bush, I wound up walking around in the desert for 40 years!”

Did you say you were a Prostitute?

Michael O’Rourke brought his fiancée to Ireland to meet his mother, telling her to answer all of her future mother- in-law’s questions honestly regardless of what they were.

“Cheryl my dear what kind of work did you do in London?”

“Well Mrs. O’Rourke, I was a prostitute”.

“Holy Mary, Mother of God, did you say you were a Protestant?”

“No, Mrs. O’Rourke I said prostitute”.

“God bless you my child, welcome to the family”.