The Preacher Should be Punished for Playing Golf on Sunday

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer.  Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away.  It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.  The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.  The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.  He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.  Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.  He went to the Lord and said, “Look at the preacher.  He should be punished for what he is doing.”  The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole.  He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards (meters) away.  A picture perfect hole-in-one.  He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked.  He turned to The Lord and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

The Lord smiled.  “Think about it- who can he tell?”

The Biggest Lie Wins the Dog

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I would never tell a lie.”

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”

Can’t tell you because you’re not a monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out that sound is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

You can’t take your wealth with you

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!!!”

The Pope’s first time driving

The Pope comes to America. Of course, he’s very busy. Masses, rallies, dinners, events, etc. For security, he has the same limo driver daily. One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the driver’s seat.

Driver: Your holiness! I’m so sorry. Where can I take you? Forgive me!

Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I’d like to take the car for a drive. I’m the Pope, and everything is done for me. I’ve never driven an automobile. Please allow me.

Driver: Certainly, Your Holiness. Let me assist.

Pope: No. Sit, my son. Finish your dinner.

The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it as he has never done this before. After hitting several parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, he is pulled over by a state trooper. The police man gets out of his cruiser, approaches the driver’s window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window, Trooper eyes the scene and retreats to his cruiser.

Immediately, the policeman grabs his cell phone and phones the governor.

Trooper: Governor, this is State Trooper Wilson. I’ve just pulled over the most important person in the world for a serious traffic violation but I don’t know what to do.

Governor: Wilson, who could you possibly have pulled over?

Trooper: I have no idea, but he’s sitting in the back seat of a limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!

Moses and his threesome on the golf course

Moses put together a threesome and they hit the links. Moses pulled up to the tee, took out his driver, and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but bounced directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee with a 3 iron and hit a beauty, straight as an arrow, directly toward the same water hazard. It was headed straight for the water but instead of sinking when it hit, it merely skipped across the surface and landed on the green.

The third guy got up with a sand wedge and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the rainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the afore mentioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the talons of the eagle squeezed the frog and it dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

Earl knows everyone

Earl was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Earl how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Earl and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Earl! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Earl’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Earl that he thinks Earl’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Earl says.

“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yes,” Earl says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Earl on the tour and motions him and his boss over saying, “Earl, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Earl, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Earl. “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome. Earl and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Earl says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what: I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Earl emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Earl returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Earl asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Earl?”

Gandhi’s nickname

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.  And of course he was quite a spiritual person.  Even when he was not fasting or on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.  Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Therefore: he came to be known as a: “Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”

We need you in the Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day after Easter service, and as always the preacher was standing at the doorshaking hands as the congregation departed.  He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.  The preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher.”

The preacher questioned, “Then how come I don’t see you except for Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

When scientists have no more need for God

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.  So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.  The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need You.  We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t have any need for You any more”

God listened very patiently and kindly.  After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this?  Let’s say we have a man-making contest.”

To which the scientist replied, “Okay! Great.”

But God added, “Now we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem!” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “Oh, No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”