The atheist and the Loch Ness monster

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster.  In one easy flip, the beast tossed the atheist and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air.  It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.  As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“God, come on, give me a break!” the man pleaded, “Just seconds ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

“Well,” said God, “now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won’t work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts.  What would you have me do?”

The atheist thinks for a minute then says, “God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.”

God replies, “So be it.”

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, “Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided…..”

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.  They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.  They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.  The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.  So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergy- man in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”   They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.  So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?”  Again the boy made no attempt to answer.  So the clergy- man raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.  God is missing – and they think WE did it!

My Time is up When?

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.  Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.  She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!  Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.  While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?  Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied: “I didn’t recognize you.”