Why it’s Good to be a Man

Forty six reasons why it’s good to be a man.

  1. Your last name stays put.
  2. The garage is all yours.
  3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  4. Chocolate is just another snack.
  5. You can be president or PM.
  6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  8. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
  9. The world is your urinal.
  10. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
  11. Same work… more pay.
  12. Wrinkles add character.
  13. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
  14. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
  15. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  16. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  17. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
  18. One mood, ALL the damn time.
  19. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  20. You know stuff about tanks.
  21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  22. You can open all your own jars.
  23. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don’t rob you blind.
  24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
  25. You can kill your own food.
  26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  27. If someone forgets to invite you to some- thing, he or she can still be your friend.
  28. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
  30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
  31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
  32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  33. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
  34. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: “He must be mad at me.”
  35. You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.
  36. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
  37. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
  38. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  39. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  40. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  41. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
  42. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  43. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
  44. You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
  45. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
  46. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

How You Can Tell When It’S Going to be a Bad Day

Here are 15 signs that you are going to have a really bad day.

  1. You wake up – face down on the pavement
  2. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
  3. You see a “60 minutes” news team waiting for you in your office
  4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
  5. Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
  6. You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city
  7. Your twin sister forgets your birthday
  8. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don’t have a waterbed
  9. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of hells angels on the freeway
  10. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and YOU have a headache
  11. Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat
  12. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
  13. You wake up and your braces are locked together
  14. You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business
  15. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife

The Difference in Dogs and Women

We love ’em both.  One is Man’s best friend and the other is, well…  Here’s the subtle differences between dogs and women.

  1. Dogs don’t cry.
  2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
  3. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
  4. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
  5. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  6. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
  7. Dogs are excited by rough play.
  8. Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
  9. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
  10. Dogs don’t shop.
  11. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
  12. A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
  13. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
  14. A dog’s parents never visit.
  15. Dogs love long car trips.
  16. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
  17. Dogs like beer.
  18. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
  19. Dogs never criticize.
  20. It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
  21. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
  22. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
  23. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
  24. You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hour a day.
  25. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelery.
  26. Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
  27. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
  28. Dogs can’t talk.
  29. When a dog gets old and snaps at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Signs your cow had mad-cow disease

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease…

  1. Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
  2. She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”
  3. Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
  4. Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
  5. Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.
  6. Your cow demands to be branded with the ‘Golden Archs Logo’.
  7. Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
  8. Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
  9. Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
  10. She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
  11. Your cow joins the Hell’s Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
  12. Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
  13. Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting “MOO” backwards.
  14. Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
  15. Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you’ll wear something sexy this time.
  16. Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells “Bullseye”!
  17. Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called “LaCream Abdul Milkbar”.
  18. Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
  19. Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
  20. You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
  21. Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
  22. Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

The many relatives of Vincent Van Gogh

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh

His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin’s American half brother: Grin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

Top 10 Questions to ask yourself before Buying Egg Nog

Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying Egg Nog

“Am I feeling sufficiently noggy today?”

“What’s the best egg-to-nog ratio?”

“I have high cholesterol — is there egg white nog?”

“What other disgusting egg-based beverages could I try?”

“Has this egg nog been approved by the Nogmaster General?”

“Is egg my best choice of nog?”

“Which one’s the egg nog that all the rappers drink?”

“What would Martha Stewart drink?”

“How long will this stuff keep in my spider hole?”

Things you don’t want to hear from a Guy in a Hotel

Things You Don’t Want To Hear From A Guy In A Hotel

“The desk clerk is nuts, so whatever room number she gives you, add three.”

“I wrote you a note about halfway through your roll of toilet paper.”

“Meet me in the whirlpool in twenty minutes.”

“Ring this bell again, I’ll burn your luggage.”

“Hey, could you go over to the Ramada and swipe us some towels?”

“You know, every room has a hair dryer — How’s that for ritzy?”

“Are you the idiot that took my gin out of the minibar?”

“Wanna see the pictures I took of you sleeping?”

“Do you mind sharing your room with a monkey?”

Top 10 Ways to Describe a Stupid Person

Top 10 Ways to Describe a Stupid Person

  1. A few crumbs short of a crouton.
  2. A few clowns short of a circus.
  3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
  4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  5. A few beers short of a six-pack.
  6. A few peas short of a casserole.
  7. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
  8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
  9. One taco short of a combination plate.
  10. A few feathers short of a whole duck

Top 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Top 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

  1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
  2. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.”
  3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
  4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
  5. Hand me that… uh… that uh… that thingy there.
  6. Uh oh, I brought my car instruction manual by mistake
  7. Oh no! Where’s my Rolex.
  8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
  9. There go the lights again?
  10. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys? and this guy’s got two of ’em.”

Top Reasons why some Men favor Handguns over Women

Top Reasons why some Men favor Handguns over Women

  1. You can trade in an old 44 for a new 22, no questions asked
  2. You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you’re on the road
  3. Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.
  4. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo
  5. A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
  6. A handgun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
  7. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.