Top 35 Ways to Know you’ve had too Much Coffee

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When

  1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  2. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  3. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
  4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  5. You lick your coffeepot clean.
  6. You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
  7. You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
  8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  9. You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
  11. All your kids are named “Joe.”
  12. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  14. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  15. People get dizzy just watching you.
  16. When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.”
  17. The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  19. You’re so wired, you pick up FM radio.
  20. Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
  21. Instant coffee takes too long.
  22. When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
  23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
  24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  25. You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
  26. You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
  27. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
  28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  30. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  31. You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
  32. You don’t tan, you roast.
  33. You can’t even remember your second cup.
  34. You introduce your spouse as your “Coffeemate.”
  35. You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

Top 15 Signs your Cat may be trying to Kill You

Top 15 Signs your Cat may be trying to Kill You

  1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
  2. He actually *does* have your tongue.
  3. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch.
  4. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
  5. You wake up to find a bird’s head in your bed.
  6. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
  7. Droppings in litter box spell out “REDRUM.”
  8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, “Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?”
  9. Takes attentive notes every time “Itchy and Scratchy” are on.
  10. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
  11. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
  12. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
  13. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman’s noose.
  14. You find a piece of paper labelled “MY WIL” which says “LEEV AWL 2 KAT.”
  15. Now sharpens claws on your car’s brake lines.

Top 10 Things you don’t want to Hear when Closing on a House

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home…

1. “I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home’s garden.”

2. “Actually, it’s only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground.”

3. “Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell’s Angels, but I’m told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it.”

4. “One bleeding toilet doesn’t necessarily mean it’s haunted.”

5. “Your neighbour has assured me that, technically, they’re not ‘killer’ bees.”

6. “Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it’s unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property.”

7. “It’s quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity.”

8. “Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?”

9. “It’s true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder.”

10. “You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night.”

Top 10 Reasons to go to work without wearing clothes

Top Ten reasons to go to work without any clothes…

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!”

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. No one steals your chair.

10. Eliminate the fear of getting your tie caught in the elevator doors.  Oh wait…

Top 10 Things to Say About a Christmas Gift you don’t Like

Top 10 things to say about a Christmas gift you do not like:

10. Hey! Now there’s a gift!

9. Well, well, well…

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

4. I love it – but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don’t deserve this.

Top 10 TV Shows in Iraq

Top 10 TV Shows in Iraq:

10. Husseinfeld

9. Mad About Everything

8. Allah McBeal

7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

6. Achmed’s Creek

5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it’s Right

4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

1. Suddenly Sanctions

Top 10 Ways to Know you have PMS

Top 10 ways to know you have PMS:

10. Everyone around you has an attitude  problem.

9. You’re adding chocolate  chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You’re using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, “How’s my driving? Call 1-800-WHO-CARE.”

5. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.

3. You’re counting down the days until menopause.

2. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1.  The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED…

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED…

10. Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…

  • More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
  • You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  • Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
  • Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  • Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
  • You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
  • You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
  • There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
  • You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
  • You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
  • You own a homemade fur coat.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
  • Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
  • There is a wasp nest in your living room.
  • The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
  • You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
  • You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  • Fewer than half of your cars run.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
  • Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
  • Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
  • Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
  • Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
  • You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  • Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
  • You’re an expert on worm beds.
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
  • You haul more than U-Haul.
  • Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
  • There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
  • Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
  • Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
  • Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
  • Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
  • The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
  • Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
  • Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
  • You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  • You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  • The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
  • You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  • Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  • You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
  • Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
  • You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
  • You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
  • None of your shirts cover your stomach.
  • Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  • The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  • You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
  • You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  • Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  • Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • Bikers back down from your momma.
  • You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
  • Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  • You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  • You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
  • You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  • You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
  • The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
  • You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
  • You clean your nails with a stick.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
  • People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
  • Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
  • You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  • You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
  • Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
  • You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  • Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
  • In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
  • Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  • You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  • You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
  • You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  • You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
  • Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
  • You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  • You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  • The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  • Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
  • You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
  • You mow your lawn and find a car.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  • You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
  • More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
  • You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  • Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
  • Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  • Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
  • You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
  • You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
  • There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
  • You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
  • You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
  • You own a homemade fur coat.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
  • Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
  • There is a wasp nest in your living room.
  • The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
  • You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
  • You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  • Fewer than half of your cars run.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
  • Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
  • Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
  • Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
  • Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
  • You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  • Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
  • You’re an expert on worm beds.
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
  • You haul more than U-Haul.
  • Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
  • There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
  • Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
  • Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
  • Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
  • Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
  • The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
  • Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
  • Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
  • You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  • You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  • The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
  • You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  • Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  • You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
  • Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
  • You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
  • You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
  • None of your shirts cover your stomach.
  • Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  • The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  • You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
  • You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  • Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  • Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • Bikers back down from your momma.
  • You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
  • Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  • You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  • You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
  • You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  • You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
  • The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
  • You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
  • You clean your nails with a stick.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
  • People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
  • Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
  • You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  • You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
  • Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
  • You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  • Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
  • In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
  • Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  • You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  • You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
  • You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  • You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
  • Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
  • You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  • You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  • The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  • Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
  • You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
  • You mow your lawn and find a car.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  • You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.