“UFO Detector” sold on Amazon gets four-stars and some hilarious customer reviews

UFO Detector (sold on Amazon)

Advertised on Amazon as a “UFO-02 Detector, magnetometer interfaced with micro controller for detecting magnetic anomalies”, the little gizmo sold by Images SI Inc. has managed to garner a four-star rating (on 104 reviews) and a ton of hilarious customer reviews worthy of Reddit. According to the manufacturer, the UFO Detector is “designed to sense these electromagnetic disturbances and signal their detection flashing 16 LED’s simultaneously and beeping” and comes in a “handsome sculptured conversation” case. The thing is selling like hotcakes and is currently out of stock. Here’s some reviews from both happy and unhappy customers.

Five Stars

This little gizmo is a bargain at twice the price and much more accurate than the voices in my head.

One Star

I don’t know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn’t work and I am still getting abducted by UFO’s on a regular basis.

One Star

Do not buy this so called “UFO detector”. It’s not a detector at all, it’s a transmitter. A wireless transmitter with a direct link to the government.

One Star

For years, I have suffered from UFO – Urinary Flow Obstructions – and I thought this UFO Detector would help. I often need to pee, but I cannot, because there is debris lodged in my urethra. Alas… I waved the UFO Detector over my genitals, and it beeped and flashed, but there was no correlation to the signals and the location of the latest UFO.

Two stars

I bought this item recently from another vendor. The order was intercepted by customs who later sent out a pair of agents to investigate. One of them was a man in a WWII jacket and the other was a woman with a heavy Welsh accent. They kept asking about any other foreign material in my possession and seemed unusually interested in my marble collection.

Five stars

I must have been thinking “what the hell?” when I bought it on one of my drunk internet shopping sprees. Usually those are bad decisions which I end up returning. I’m not sure how I even came across this device.

When it came to my doorstep I scratched my head, asking myself, “Oh, good lord, what did I buy now?” When I cracked it open I had a good laugh. I couldn’t resist testing it out.

The strangest thing happened. It went off. Like, it REALLY went off. There was no one around. My cat was in the far back room. So I shut it off and waited for my fiance to come home. I was with him when he turned it on and sure enough it acted possessed again. He was about to tinker with it to see where the problem was when I went outside to check our mailbox.

The moment I left the front door, it stopped. When I came back in, it lit up like the fourth of July.

Like any concerned person, I was wondering if there was something wrong with me. After several doctor appointments, cat scans, and psychological exams, I could think of no one else to turn to. Except the church.

The Church of Scientology, that is.

I found out I’m not alone. There are about 8 million of us thetans out there waiting to find our way back home, to each other.

My life is forever changed. Now when I look into the sky, I don’t ask “are we alone?” Instead I look at the stars and see my long-lost home, from which I and my people were exiled.

One star

I, as a resonable and trUstworthy hUman, do not gleep nerp this ungood prodUct. Bad it is for Us hUmans to purchase and opperate this online pUrchasable prodUct.

As the person from Earth that I am, I think that all of my other fellow hUmans on Earth should immediately disUse and florgnify this Utterly Zorglefran, I mean bad item for bUying. Ha Ha. I am laughing with hUmor with the funny word I made up with my typing that I am not doing by direct thought extraction, and instant data transmission to Amazon.com website. Ha Ha. That was highly hUmoroUs and glerp.

UFO detectors are so dUmb because all humans from Earth like the one I am, know that we I mean they do not even exist! Ha Ha

Besides even if the alien friends did exist, who minds occassional anal probe for benefit of aliens that don’t exist glerp science! I, as a resonable and trustworthy human person from Earth sure wouldn’t mind helping our fUtUre overlords!

Do not bUy this prodUct.

Four stars

I purchased this gizmo to play a prank on my husband Brad, who still prattles on about his “fourth-kind” encounter when he was just thirteen. (The 4th kind involves a probe, if you’re wondering. I keep saying it was likely his redneck neighbor dressed as ET, but that possibility is too dreadful for him to truly accept.)

On the anniversary of Brad’s alleged abduction, I placed the device by our bedside, then set-up an electromagnetic wave generator under the bed, with a timer to go off right at midnight. (If you’re wondering where to get one, I recommend the Skymall Catalog. I also picked up some Motivational posters and fake garden rock speakers to save on shipping. You’re welcome.)

But back to my prank. It was all set to go, and I was as giddy as a six year old waiting for Santa. But like a typical six year old, I fell asleep before the damn thing went off. I awoke to the flashing of multiple LEDs from the UFO-02 Detector, and bolted up, eager to see Brad’s petrified face. Aha!

But Brad wasn’t there.

In fact, I wasn’t even in our bedroom any more. Instead, I stood face-to-face with Leonardo da Vinci. Or perhaps it was Professor Dumbledore, I’m not really certain. In either event, It was a manifestation that the being I shall call the “Intelligence” had determined my brain would most easily accept for deliverance of The Message.

You see, the Intelligence had come to convey to us humans that the Imperative was nigh, that what we loosely dub the Singularity was only the beginning of a limitless existence unbounded by physical space and time, and that sugar-free alternatives are actually WORSE for us than the real deal. He made sure that last point was clear by making me repeat it twice.

When I came to, Brad was sound asleep in his tin foil hat, the UFO-02 detector was gone, and, sure enough, all of my Splenda had been replaced with little, brown raw sugar packets. When I tried to tell Brad about Leonardo/Dumbledore and The Message, he rolled over away from me, grumbling that I shouldn’t eat so much ice cream or any dairy product before bed.

One star

I don’t think this product works at all. I’ve been using it for several weeks now and it’s gone off a couple times in a big way, but they’ve all been false alarms.

About the second night after I first received this detector I remember it going off like crazy, right before I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, though I couldn’t remember falling asleep, and my anus was really sore and I had sunburns on only one side of my body, there was no sign of any aliens.

I took this out to my uncle’s farm in the country one evening, since I wanted to see how it worked away from all the electronic interference of the big city. It was again another huge false alarm. It again went off at night, and we again found no signs of aliens in the morning. My uncle and I noticed that some of his cattle and fallen over and accidentally disemboweled themselves, which my uncle was upset about. And some kids from his neighborhood flattened out some of his crops in an elaborate design, but we could see no signs of aliens.

Every time this thing goes off and I go outside to check out the sky, all I see are things like a weather balloons or unexplained atmospheric phenomena, but no aliens.

I would seriously recommend against purchasing this product.

Four stars

I was understandably excited when I discovered this product, having left some crucial gear behind when I had to abandon ship with little warning. Hey, it happens; at least I was able to grab my towel and guide on the way out.

I found myself stranded on this planet with no way to detect or signal passing craft. Not that there are likely to be many of these – the place is rather off the beaten path, and even my trusty guide has little to say about it. But sooner or later, someone will come, and I need to be prepared when that happens.

Amazon.com to the rescue! Thanks to this handy detector, I will surely know when a ship is in the neighborhood…now all I need is a means of signalling the ship.

Five stars

This product is a life saver, and it has changed my life forever. It may surprise you to hear that I used to be a paranoid person. I would sit up in my tinfoil hat all night long with one eye open, just in case those alien parasites decided to come for me. It became a kind of obsession. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t trust anyone, because what if they were really the aliens that had descended and taken my real daughter, Alex, hostage. Even she just couldn’t be trusted.

This detector changed all of that. I can now feel safe in my own home, and I have even taken to leaving the tinfoil hat in my fanny pack until this glorious device goes off. I am no longer confined to my room, because this device is so convenient and portable. I have started to pay more attention to my surroundings here on earth, and boy do you miss a lot when your eyes are always aimed at the sky! For instance today I realized that not only was Alex not an alien, but she was actually a he!

Sources: Amazon

A World of Warcraft lesson in spelling and grammar

The following chat session was recorded in a World of Warcraft game.  A player asking for help gets a lesson in spelling and grammar.

 

[Perolex] whispers: can u run me thought a dungeon

To [Perolex]: You didn’t ask properly.

[Perolex] whispers: can u plz run me thought a dungeon

To [Perolex]: Six errors still.

[Perolex] whispers: what

[Perolex] whispers: a lvl like 70 dungeon so I can lvl up

[Perolex] whispers: anyone

To [Perolex]: Here, I’ll get you started.  “U” and “plz” are not words.

[Perolex] whispers: can you please run me tought a dungeon

[Perolex] whispers: thought

[Perolex] whispers: throught

To [Perolex]: There’s an extra letter on the end.

[Perolex] whispers: there is?

To [Perolex]: Mhm.  “Throught” isn’t a word either. 🙁

[Perolex] whispers: can you run me through a dungeon please?

[Perolex] whispers: please

To [Perolex]: Woo, we’re making progress! 🙂 Still two errors though.

[Perolex] whispers: how

To [Perolex]: “Can” is not the correct word.  Yes, I can, meaning I have the ability.  But you seem to be asking if I WILL.

[Perolex] whispers: will you run me through a dungeon please?

To [Perolex]: So close.  Now let’s see that capital letter beginning our sentence.

[Perolex] whispers: Will u run me through a dungeon please

To [Perolex]: Ack, we gained two more errors!  “U” is not a word and we lost our punctuation at the end of our sentence!

[Perolex] whispers: Will you run me through a dungeon please.

To [Perolex]: Veeeery close.  We need different punctuation at the end though.  A period makes the sentence a statement.  You’re asking a question.  So what do we need?

[Perolex] whispers: Will you run me through a please?

To [Perolex]: Bless your heart for sticking with me… we’re missing a noun this time though.  Will I run you through a what, please?

[Perolex] whispers: Will you run me through a dungeon please?

To [Perolex]: Nope, that’s what the dungeon finder is for.  I hope you learned something about spelling and grammar though! 🙂

[Perolex] whispers: f u

Funny Hurricane Irene Tweets

On August 26, just one week after a rare earthquake rocked the area, Hurricane Irene pummuled the East Coast residents for three days. Of course, the tweets flew faster than the storm. Below are the funniest twitter tweets that resulted.

@JimGaffian Speaking of mandatory evacuation. I just ate Indian food.

@sethmeyers21: NY Hurricane Tip: Leaving windows open while trying to catch cockroaches is a fun way to simulate “The Deadliest Catch.”

@Seth_Fried: If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That’s how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

@pourmecoffee: If you lose connectivity, just shout out 140 character or less updates into the storm. Not a huge difference, really.

@carzyauntpurl: To sum up FEMA advice in words everyone can understand, “Don’t be a dumbass. Don’t risk your life for Facebook pics of the hurricane. Don’t bodysurf the tidal surge. Morons.”

@lizzwinstead: Please do not fillyour bathtub with medication. There has been some confusion.

@RexHuppke: East Coast Residents: As a media professional, I assure you it’s OK to stand outside in a hurricane as long as you’re holding a microphone.

@wingoz: Earthquake from Georgia to Toronto, Hurricane Irene hitting east coast where 1/5 of population lives. The Mayans may have nailed it.

@tshirtshop: Oh jeez, and I just printed all those “I survived the East Coast earthquake t-shirts”!

@pattonoswalt: NYC’s getting a volcano and then a Godzilla attack next, right?

@JenKirkman: It’s taking Irene so long to come! This hurricane really IS a woman!

@marcmaron [in reference to last week’s earthquake]: Sorry east coast but I read the forecast for next week – fire and locusts.

@Jason_maybe: I was going to make a hurricane joke but I couldn’t think of one that didn’t blow.

@AlbertBrooks: Breaking News: Gov. Christie orders Snooki be tied down.

@JimGaffigan: It’s so obvious The @WeatherChannel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.

@kateyrich: A gust of wind knocked a slice of pizza out of my hand. Hurricane Irene, you have already gone too far.

@borowitzereport: Breaking News: Internet Outages from Hurricane Could Force People to Interact with Other People, Officials Warn.

@whoami: So last week’s earthquake was supposedly Snooki falling out of bed.  What’s this week’s hurricane?  Snooki passing gas?

@idget: Irene is such a slut.  She’ll blow the whole east coast just to get on the news.

 

Funny East Coast Earthquake Tweets and Facebook Posts

The 5.9 East Coast earthquake on August 23, 2011 prompted plenty of jokes from West Coast citizens who viewed the earthquake as a non-event.  Here are a few of the funniest social networking posts we ran across:

 

Funny East Coast Earthquake Jokes

Images of earthquake devastation in washington, DC linked to this image:

Image(7)

@BenWise: There is now officially nothing special about LA.

@mileskah: (in an attempt to spur spending, the supposed cause of the current economic problems) If we don’t go back to buying things soon, the earthquakes win.

@katespencer: Dear sassy California people: Now might be a good time to remind you that you freak out WHEN IT RAINS

@mattzaller: It’s obviously just a slight shift of the North American continental shelf.  Of… the end of times.

@bazecraze: Weird.  I don’t remember being *this* bad at Jenga.

@ApocalypseHow: Holy Crap – something moved in Washington DC?!?!?!

@lizzwinstead: Worst. Rapture.  Ever.

@TheTweetOfGod: There was just a 5.8 earthquake in Washington.  Obama wanted it to be a 3.4, but the Republicans wanted a 5.8, so he compromised.

@friedmanjon: Earthquake jokes are so 2:30.

@robhuebel: East Coast earthquake OR…  Arby’s guerrilla marketing campaign for its new “Ball-bustin’ Shakes”?

@robdelaney: Devastated to fine out that my Uncle Jeremy, who lived near the quake’s epicenter, was found alive and unharmed (he’s a rapist).

@RealGilbert: New Report… East Coast suffers an Earthquake.  Japan is laughing its ass off.

@AaronKaro: “Earthquake shmearthquake” – from everyone in LA

@pattonoswalt: Not to panic anyone in NYC, but a screaming John Cusack just drove by in a limo that was missing a door.

@JudahWorldChamp: Sorry for the earthquake NYC, I just did a couple of intense jumping jacks.

@mikescollins: Ugh!!!!  I thought we were gonna die so I started running around the office naked!!!  Is anyone hiring?

@pareene: I think Chris Christie just jumped into the race…

@unknown: Sorry about the earthquake.  Mexican food last night…

@Supajoe: This east coast earthquake is obviously divine retribution for Jersey Shore

@Jose313: Mother Nature is pissed at congress .. so it had to shake things up

@Bronk: F!, its only like half an hour and I had already finished its 15 day supply of emergency food aid

@RuwaydaMustafah: you know its dependence on Twitter, when you tweet “Earthquake OMG” instead of looking out the door.

@ChuckWendig: After the earthquake, I threw a chair in my front window and stole my TV. Mistakes were made.

@TheFakeCNN: Republicans and Democrats have accused each other of the earthquake.

@The_Analyst: So let’s evaluate NYC earthquake evacuation logic:  MINOR quake, so everyone stand on crowded streets between big buildings with nowhere to run.

@unsilent: nice to know that cell phones in DC will be immediately overwhelmed in the event of an actual emergency.

@OldHossRadbourn: Oh no, the most self-important part of the planet was just struck by an earthquake.

@unsilent: I’m not advocating insurance fraud, but now would be a good time to give your old TV a little nudge.

@BreakingNews: Sorry you spilled your chai latte.  Text 90999 to donate $1 to the victims of the U.S. East Coast earthquake.

@NickSaglimbeni: Today, the East Coast has officially lost its right to tease Californians who can’t drive in the rain.

@RealGilbert: The East Coast had an Earthquake.  Hopefully Sting will do a charity concert.

@levarburton: Dear East Coast quake survivors welcome to our world… Love, The West Coast.

@bytemonkey: If the East Coast starts having more earthquakes, it’d only be fairplay that the West Coast starts getting some serious hurricane action.

 

Newbie artist social network troll

This guy trolls girls on social networking sites sending them messages like “Hey beautiful.  I’m an artist.  Would you mind if I drew a sketch of you?” or “I’m an art student and couldn’t pass up the chance to capture your beauty.”  Then he uses their profile picture and draws unflattering pictures and sends back to them.  Here are some samples below:

Click picture for full-size view.

 

Artists trolls social network boards announcing sketch of girl's profile picture
Artists trolls social network boards announcing sketch of girl's profile picture

 

Long neck girl
Long neck girl

 

Messy haired girl
Messy haired girl

 

Blonde girl with lots of hair
Blonde girl with lots of hair

 

Masculine looking girl
Masculine looking girl

 

Pig nose girl
Pig nose girl

 

Black girl
Black girl

 

Source: Imgur (imgur.com)