I thought you said no one was available

In the news, man finds an ingenious way to get the cops to his house – quickly…


I thought you said no one was available
I thought you said no one was available


The text of the newspaper article reads:

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.  I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. T hey said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up.  A minute later I rang again.  “Hello,” I said, “I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.  You don’t have to hurry now, because I’ve shot them.”

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cards in the area plus helicopters and an armed response unit.  They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said, “I thought you said you’d shot them?”

To which I replied, “I thought you said there was no on available.”

Funny newspaper headlines

How editors miss the alternate meanings behind these true, real-life news headlines is beyond us.  But we’re glad they did!  Here is a collection of funny, real-life newspaper headlines.


Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

War Dims Hope for Peace

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes – Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says

Alton attorney accidentally sues himself

Volunteers search for old Civil War Planes

Army Vehicle goes Missing after being painted with camouflage

Meeting on Open Meetings is Closed

Ten Commandments, Supreme Court says some OK, others not

Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone to not take poison

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

Puerto Rican teen named mistress of the universe

One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers

Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday

Child’s Stool Great for Use in Garden

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Kicking Baby Considered To Be Healthy

Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Robber Holds Up Albert’s Hosiery

Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency

Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

William Kelly was Fed Secretary

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests

Man is Fatally Slain

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax

Worker suffers leg pain after 800lb ball drops on head

Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive

Dam road sign keeps disappearing

Fire destroys go-go bar and leaves 4 men homeless

Fumes force bean workers to leave

Bill would make it illegal to break rules

Lost language found but no one can read it

Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem

Planes forced to land at airports

Rally against apathy draws small crowds

50 foot officers to patrol dangerous neighborhoods

Fire destroys crematorium

Officials say death by firing squad not that bad

Officials say homicide victims rarely talk to police