Kulula – the funny airlines with a (sometimes dark) sense of humor

Kulula  is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself  too seriously. Below we have a collection of funny flight-attendant and pilot announcements along with some hilarious pictures of Kulula’s beautiful airplanes.

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Kulula  is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the  in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more  entertaining. Here  are some real examples that have been heard or  reported:

On  a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit  where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard  time choosing, when a flight attendant  announced,
“People,  people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and  get in it!”

On  another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew,  the pilot said,
“Ladies  and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be  turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and  to enhance the appearance of your flight  attendants.”

On  landing, the stewardess said,
“Please  be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to  have.”

“There  may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

“Thank  you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the  business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a  ride.”

As  the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
“Whoa, big  fella. WHOA!”

After  a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the  Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight  announced,
“Please  take care when opening the overhead compartments because,  after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has  shifted.”

From  a Kulula employee:
“Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port  Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab  into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every  other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one,  you probably shouldn’t be out in public  unsupervised.”

“In  the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will  descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and  pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling  with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If  you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your  favorite.”

“Weather  at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank  you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more  than Kulula Airlines.”

“Your  seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event  of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“As  you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your  belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or  spouses..”

And  from the pilot during his welcome message:
“Kulula  Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

Heard  on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town :  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
“That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are  thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s  fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight  attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

Overheard  on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy  and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really  had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight  Attendant said,
“Ladies  and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in  your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain  taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another  flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:  “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo  bounces us to the terminal.”

An  airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had  hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline  had a policy which required the first officer to stand at  the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a  “Thanks for flying our airline”. He said that, in light of  his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers  in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart  comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little  old lady walking with a cane. She said,
“Sir,  do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why,  no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
The little old  lady said,
“Did  we land, or were we shot down?”

After  a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant  came on with,
“Ladies  and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain  Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching  halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared  and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door  and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”

Part  of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement:
“We’d  like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the  next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the  skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of  Kulula Airways.”

Heard  on a Kulula flight:
“Ladies  and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”

Man calls police when Amazon package arrives on his doorstep

From the “Doh!” archives, an Ohio man recently called the police when a suspicious package arrived on his doorstep.  Here’s the clipped article that explains it all:

Hudson – A Sullivan Road resident called police to report a “suspicious package” on his front porch Nov. 2 at 3:20 p.m. The resident said the observed an unknown person leave the package and called police, according to the police report.  The officer said he could see the package was clearly labeled with the Amazon.com logo and asked the man if he had ordered anything from the firm recently.  The man reportedly said “Why yes. I did.” The officer told the resident his order had arrived.  The resident then said he was comfortable opening the box.  The officer then left the scene, according to the report.

 

The article reads as follows:

Hudson – A Sullivan Road resident called police to report a “suspicious package” on his front porch Nov. 2 at 3:20 p.m. The resident said the observed an unknown person leave the package and called police, according to the police report.  The officer said he could see the package was clearly labeled with the Amazon.com logo and asked the man if he had ordered anything from the firm recently.  The man reportedly said “Why yes. I did.” The officer told the resident his order had arrived.  The resident then said he was comfortable opening the box.  The officer then left the scene, according to the report.

The talking clock

A young lad was proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend.  The college student led the way into the living room where the friend noticed a large gong and hammer sitting against one wall.

“What’s the big brass gong and hammer over there?”, the friend asked.

“That is a talking clock,” the lad replied.

“Really, how does it work?”

“Watch, ” the lad said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering hit with the hammer.

Suddenly, a voice screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot!  It’s two o’clock in the morning!”

Heads up on parking lot scam targeting older gentlemen

A “heads up” for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe’s, Home Depot, Costco, and even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.  Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two attractive, college-aged women will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, clad in skimpy T-shirts.  When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No,” but instead ask for a ride to McDonald’s.  You agree and they climb into the vehicle.  On the way, they start crawling all over you, while one of them steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Sept. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. And very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.

Please, send this on to all the older men you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon).

Funny Protest Signs

Protestors with too much time on their hands make signs intended to boldly pronounce their beliefs and grief.  Luckily for us, their signs are quite often funny – sometimes accidentally funny (to the chagrin of the ignorant protestor).  Here’s a collection of real-life protest signs that either intentionally or unintentionally make us laugh.

Note: click the image to view the full-size picture.

Call me terrorist protest sign
We don’t think this terrorist protestor meant this as a “call me” dating advertisement. Or did she?

 

Down with zippers protest sign
Yea! Down with zippers protest sign!
Funny misspeling on homeschoolers sign
Do homeschoolers not use spellcheckers. Funny homescholers misspelling on protest sign.

 

I hate crowds sign
I hate crowds protest sign

 

I'm with stupid sign
I’m with stupid sign turns the message completely around

 

No illegals - no burritos immigration protest sign
Hey, wait a minute. No illegals, no burritos? Immigration protest sign.

 

Middle Eastern mumbo jumbo protest sign (it says McDonalds)
Apparently this middle eastern mumbo jumbo translates to McDonalds.

 

Thank you CNN for letting us know what's happening on Twitter
If it weren’t for CNN, I would have no idea what is happening on Twitter protest sign.

 

If your beliefs fit on a sign then think harder protest sign
If your beliefs fit on a sign then think harder protest sign

 

War has never solved anything but...
Except for ending slavery, fascism, nazism, and communism, war never solved anything.

 

Where is Obama really from?
Where is Obama really from?

 

I might disagree with you but I won't step on your head
Little kid holds sign that states the obvious. I might disagree with you but I won’t step on your head!

 

 

Funny Tombstones and their Funny Epitaphs

When you die, who gets the last laugh?  In these instances, the poor soul that departed this Earth leaves us with hilariously funny epitaphs and tombstones.  The following are pictures of real-life funny tombstones.

If you find a funny tombstone on your next visit to a grave at your local cemetery, send your photograph to Funny Grins and we’ll post them online (and give you credit).

Note: click the image to view a full-size picture.

 

Fuck You code in tombstone
Secret code in tombstone. This was verified by Snopes. The epitaph apparently was created together by the man’s wife and mistress as a way to get back at him.

 

Some poor soul named "Dumfart"
Some poor soul named “Dumfart”

 

I told you I was sick tombstone
I told you I was sick tombstone

 

Here lies an atheist all dressed up and no place to go tombstone
Here lies an atheist all dressed up and no place to go tombstone

 

Look carefully - you see what that hand is doing on that tombstone?
Look carefully – you see what that hand is doing on that tombstone?

 

I'm so happy I could just shit tombstone
I’m so happy tombstone

 

I see dumb people tombstone
I see dumb people tombstone

 

It takes a hell of a lot to kill this guy
It takes a hell of a lot to kill this guy

 

Poor Pa, he got caught tombstone
Poor Pa, he got caught tombstone

 

Mel Blanc's That's All Folks tombstone
Mel Blanc’s That’s All Folks tombstone

 

He never killed a man that did not need killing tombstone
He never killed a man that did not need killing tombstone

 

Time Expired - Parking meter tombstone
Time Expired – Parking meter tombstone. Snopes verified that this tombstone is real. The tombstone also reads “mother’s humor lives on” and is a real parking meter bolted to the headstone.

 

Rodney Dangerfield's There goes the neighborhood tombstone
Rodney Dangerfield’s There goes the neighborhood tombstone

 

Shit happens tombstone
It happens tombstone

 

I was supposed to be shot by a jealous husband tombstone
I was supposed to be shot by a jealous husband tombstone

 

Well this sucks epitaph
Well this sucks epitaph

Funny 404 (Page not Found) Errors

When you visit a web site and attempt to access a web page that does not exist, the web site will issue a “404 error” indicating that the page could not be found.  In most cases these 404 errors are cut and dry, standard, technical explanations.  But some webmasters get a bit creative and spice things up with a humorous 404 error page.  Here’s a collection of funny 404 errors from around the web.

Click the picture for a full-size view of the 404 error web page.

 

Grats you broke it funny 404 error
Grats you broke it funny 404 error

 

Hang in there humorous 404 error
Hang in there humorous 404 error

 

Houston we have a problem 404 error
Houston we have a problem 404 error
Move popcorn 404 error
Move popcorn 404 error

 

Murdered page 404 error
Murdered page 404 error
Whoops pig 404 error
Whoops pig 404 error

 

Sinking ship 404 error
Sinking ship 404 error
Funny rain 404 error
Funny rain 404 error

 

Page swallowed by sinkhole funny 404 error
Page swallowed by sinkhole funny 404 error
Oh Snap 404 error
Oh Snap 404 error

 

It's your twurn to fix it funny 404 error
It's your twurn to fix it funny 404 error
Uh Oh Spaghetti O funny 404 error
Uh Oh Spaghetti O funny 404 error

 

Repairs in progress 404 error
Repairs in progress 404 error
I went to this page and all I got was this lousy 404 error
I went to this page and all I got was this lousy 404 error

 

Broken egg funny 404 error
Broken egg funny 404 error
Creative 404 error
Creative 404 error

 

Death see you soon funny 404 error
Death see you soon funny 404 error
Detective looking 404 error
Detective looking 404 error

 

Funny flowchart 404 error
Funny flowchart 404 error
Frak 404 error
Frak 404 error

 

afa funny 404 error
afa funny 404 error

The crazy things that walk into a bar

A golf club walks into a bar and orders a beer, but the bartender refuses to serve him.  “Why not?” asks the golf club.  “You’ll be driving later.”

A $5 note walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out! This is a singles bar.”

A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Please, no stories!”

A number 12 walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a pint of beer. “Sorry, I can’t serve you,” says the bartender.  “Why not?” asks the number 12 angrily.  “You’re under 18,” replies the bartender.

A soccer ball walks into a bar.  The bartender kicks him out.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The bartender says, “I’m not serving you, you’re out of your skull!”

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar and the bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

A man walks into a bar with jumper leads.  The bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, you’re a pickle! What are you doing here?”  The pickle says, “Well, for starters, I’m
celebrating the fact that I can walk.”

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…