Jokes by numbers

A out of towner is sitting in a bar in a remote Australian town. The newcomer hears people yell out numbers (42, 16, 28, and so on) and then everyone laughs.  He asks the bloke next to him what’s going on, and he explains that  the jokes have been told so many times before that people just yell out their numbers instead of retelling the entire joke all over again.

So the man yells out “27!”, but nobody laughs.

The bloke next to him shrugs his shoulders and says, “Ah well, some people can tell a joke, and some people can’t.”

If you say you paid I’ll take your word for it

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.  “But I paid, don’t you remember?’ says the customer.

“OK”’ says the bartender, “If you say you paid, you did.”

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.”

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.”

“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

Uh, you just drank my drink

A man is sitting in the bar for 30 minutes staring at a drink that is sitting in front of him.  Then a big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to the man, takes the drink from him and empties the glass. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man cry.”

“No, it”s not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep and I’m late to my office.  My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to get my car, I find out it’s been stolen. The police say they can’t do anything. I get a cab home and after I get out, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards inside. The cab driver just drives away. Inside, I find my wife with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

The crazy things that walk into a bar

A golf club walks into a bar and orders a beer, but the bartender refuses to serve him.  “Why not?” asks the golf club.  “You’ll be driving later.”

A $5 note walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out! This is a singles bar.”

A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Please, no stories!”

A number 12 walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a pint of beer. “Sorry, I can’t serve you,” says the bartender.  “Why not?” asks the number 12 angrily.  “You’re under 18,” replies the bartender.

A soccer ball walks into a bar.  The bartender kicks him out.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The bartender says, “I’m not serving you, you’re out of your skull!”

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar and the bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

A man walks into a bar with jumper leads.  The bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, you’re a pickle! What are you doing here?”  The pickle says, “Well, for starters, I’m
celebrating the fact that I can walk.”

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

A head walks into a bar

A head walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink, and after he is finished, Boom! A torso appears.

So the head asks for another drink and after he finishes, Bang! Arms come out of the torso.

So the head asks the bartender for another drink and when he has finished, Wham! Legs appear.

The head is thinking, “Hey, this stuff is great,” so he asks the bartender for one more drink for the road and Bang! His whole body disappears.

The bartender turns to him and says, “You should have quit while you were a head.”

Lone Ranger’s horse gets overheated

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are sitting in a bar in Texas on one of the hottest days on record and sit down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walks in and says, “Who owns the big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stands up, hitches his gun belt, and says, “I do … why?”

The cowboy looks at the Lone Ranger and says, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead from the heat.”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and sure enough, Silver is ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger gets the horse some water and soon Silver is starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better.”

Tonto says, “Yes, Kemosabe,” and takes off running circles around Silver.  Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says … “Nothing, but you left your Injun running.”

A seagull crapped in my eye

A sailor and a pirate are talking each a bar. Their chat soon turns to their sea adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting wars with the navy, and the pirate tells of robbing ships and killing his enemies. The sailor notices that the pirate has an eye patch, a hook and a peg leg, and asks, “How did you get the peg leg?”

The pirate replies, “When I was thrown off my ship and floated for two days until my crew rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark as I was being pulled out of the water.”

The sailor, impressed, says, “Wow! That”s very exciting. But what about the hook?”

The pirate smiles, shining the hook on his coat sleeve. “When I was sword-fighting with an enemy pirate for treasure, he took it right off.”

The sailor”s eyes are wide with awe at how tough this pirate is, and he asks, “How did you get the eye patch?”

“Well,” says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit, “a seagull pooped in my eye.”

The sailor looks puzzled. “You lost an eye from seagull poop?”

The pirate sighs and shakes his head. “It was my first day with the hook.”

Say liver and cheese and you can have me

A Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog walk into a bar for a drink. A great-looking female collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman says, I love liver and cheese.”

The collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”

The bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.”

The collie says, “That’s not creative enough.”

Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone… cheese mine.”

The mathematical dog

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his dog. He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, “This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet $5 that you can ask him anything and he will tell you the right answer.”

So the bartender says, “All right. What is 10 + 11 + 13?”

The dog says, “34.”

“Wow,” says the bartender and hands over the  $5 note.

Then the man says to the bartender, “Don’t let  my dog go anywhere, I have to go to the toilet.”  He hands the dog the $5 to hold onto while he’s in the toilet.

The bartender and the dog start having a conversation and the bartender says, “If you’re so smart, go down the road and get me a newspaper.” So the dog leaves, and then the man comes out of the toilet.   He asks the bartender where the dog is.

The bartender says, “The dog went to get me a newspaper.”

The man if very upset that the bartender let the dog leave.  He goes out to find his dog. He looks all over until he sees his dog in an alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You’ve never done this before.”

The dog says, “I’ve never had $5 before either.”

Thoughts about Life

Thoughts about Life – part 1

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“Art teaches nothing except the significance of life.” (Henry Miller)

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“Life is full of obstacle illusions.” (Grant Frazier)

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“Life’s a game, all you have to do, is know how to play it.”

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“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.” (Sydney J. Harris)

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“One should eat to live, not live to eat.” (Moliere)

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“People who never make mistakes must get tired of doing nothing.”

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“Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.” (Benjamin Franklin)

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“Stolen kisses are always sweetest.” (Leigh Hunt)

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“It is the nature of the ego to take, and the nature of the spirit to share.” (Proverb)

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“There are always flowers for those who want to see them.” (Henri Matisse)

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“You cannot litigate personal choices and lifestyles.” (Mike Rogers)

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“There is no shame in not knowing; the shame lies in not finding out.” (Russian Proverb)

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“A little help is worth a great deal of pity.” (Proverb)

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“We find comfort among those who agree with us – growth among those who don’t.” (Frank A. Clark)

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“Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving, make every day a holiday and celebrate just living!” (Amanda Bradley)

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“The real friend is he or she who can share all our sorrows and double our joys.” (Barry C. Forbes)

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“I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.” (Aristotle)

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“A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.”

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“God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.” (Proverb)

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“When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.” (Henry Fielding)