Kid and Children Limericks

There once was a kid named Darren

Who’s room was surprisingly barren

He had no toys

Like all normal boys

But he did believe in sharing


There once was a girl whose name was Jen.

 

Whose room was as messy as a pig pen

It got so cluttered

She shook and muttered

Oh, but everything blends, AMEN.


There once was a boy from Montreal

 

Who loved to play basketball

For a team he tried out

But if he made it, I doubt

For you see, he was three feet tall!


There once was a young girl from Crete

who was so exceedingly neat,

when she got out of bed

she stood on her head

to keep from soiling her feet.


There once was a boy named Joe

Who dropped a big brick on his toe

He asked, with a frown,

“Will the swelling go down?”

And the doctor said, “Yes. I think so.”


There once was a monster named Ned

He hid under little kids beds

He laid there all night

Waiting for a big bite

Only to be kicked in the head

 

 

 

International Limericks

There once was a old man from Norway –

who cussed as he sat in a doorway-

the door smacked him flat-

and he yelled “what was that”?

that disgruntled old man from Norway!


There was a young lady from Niger,

Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.

After the ride

She was inside,

And the smile was on the face of the tiger.


There once a man from Japan

Whose Limericks would never quite scan

When asked why was so

He said “I don’t know”

“But maybe it’s because I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I ever possibly can !”


There once was a man from Spain,

who often stood out in the rain.

He said with a grin,

“I should do this again,”

and then he went on to a plane!


There was a young man from Peru.

Who wanted to live in a shoe.

A size six was too small.

So he walked down the mall,

And found a size twelve with a view.

 

 

 

 

Animal Limericks

A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud

Who was frightened and screamed very loud

Then a happy thought hit her

To scare off the critter

She sat up in bed and just meowed

 


There once was a guy named Matt

Who had an overly large cat

When it chased a mouse

It shook the whole house

So Matt got rid of the cat.


A wonderful bird is the Pelican.

His beak can hold more than his belly can.

He can hold in his beak

Enough food for a week!

But I’ll be darned if I know how the hellican?


There once was a funny old whale

who had a magnificent tail

A seaport moved out

when the whale came about

and attempted to swim in a pail.


A dinosaur stomped into a mall

where people are tiny and small

Now why did you think

I was really extinct

the dinosaur roared with a drawl.


There was a fat cat on a mat

Who liked to chase mice named pat.

He chased them around

And fell on the ground

And smashed them until they were flat!


A centipede from Syracuse

Played 2nd base for the Backyard Blues.

He was two hours late

Reporting to the plate

After tying all of his shoes.


There once was a cat named Pat,

Who didn’t know where he was at,

He looked up and down,

and then turned around,

Ran into a wall and went splat!!!


There once was a bear at the zoo

Who always had something to do

When it bored him, you know,

to go to and fro,

he reversed it and went fro and to.


There once was a kitty named spike,

A daring and very bold tyke.

He took many chances,

Without consequences,

Until he got squashed by a bike.


There was a toxic rat,

Who loved to slurp up fat,

He burped up a gopher,

That smelled of sulfur,

And also threw up a cat!


There once was a boy named Lee,

Who liked to throw rocks at a tree.

One day the tree quivered,

and Lee shaked and shivered

When out shot hundreds of bees!


There lived a young cow in MA

He always had his own say

On the grass he would chew

Saying merrily moo moo

He often even ate hay


There once was a snake named Lena,

Who swallowed a concertina,

And when she was squeezed,

Way up in the trees

She played the macerena.

 


 

There once was a Kangaroo

Who lived in a large zoo

He had a big pouch

when he fell he said ouch

That was pretty stupid too

 


 

There once was a cute little bunny,

Who I thought was sweet and funny.

He ate all the carrots,

And looked at the parrots,

And that was my cute little bunny.

 


There once was a frog from a city

 

Who jumped on a really cute kitty

He thought he might

Get thrown out at night

And walk on home feeling pity.

 


There once was a butterfly from France.

Who flew up and did a dance.

She thought that she might

crash into a kite

And never do another dance.


There once was a frog from a pond

Who hopped to a really long frond

She thought that she might

Escape from the light

And hide before she turned blonde


There once was a deer called Buck,

And into the garden he snuck,

he waited all night,

til’ the time was right,

Then jumped out and got hit by a truck!


One day, when Joey the snail

Stepped out to fetch his mail,

A human being

Without really seeing

Did step on poor Joey’s tail.


There once was a frog named Cog

who liked to sit on a log

one day he slipped off

because of his cough

and now he’s in the bog


There once was a dog named Dred

His masters name was Fred

He fell off his bike

When he hit a spike

Now Dred’s master is dead.


What a wonderful bird is the pelican

His beak can hold more than his belly can

He can hold in his beak

Food enough for a week

But I’ll be damned if I know how the hell he can.

 


There once was a very small bug.

 

Every one liked to call him Doug.

He walked on the cement,

And ended up getting bent.

Now he looks just like a slug.

 


 

 

There once was a lizard named Fred,

Who liked to sleep in his bed

His bed of concrete

Heck! It was the street!

And now you know why he’s dead.


There once was a pig in New York.

The butcher said what good pork.

His knife went slish slash,

Cut open a gash,

Now the butcher he needs just a fork.


There was a young curate from Kew

Who kept a tom cat in a pew

And taught it to speak

Alphabetical Greek

But it never got further than ‘µ’.


There once was a man, named Bill Clinton

Who owned a cat named “Socks” from a kitten

He said,” You know, Sock

Your the only friend that I Got”

Sock said,”Who the hell are you sh*****?


In a castle that had a deep moat

Lived a chicken a duck and a goat

They wanted to go out

And wounder about

But all they needed was a boat


On a farm lived a talking llama

Who had to be killed by the farma.

He kept down his dread

(’til they lopped off his head)

By singing John Lennon’s “Instant Kharma”.


There once was a bird colored blue

that would simply sit in the dew

one day it got wet

and so their it set

until the wind finally blew


Entertainment Limericks

There was a young lady one fall

Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.

The dress caught fire

And burned her entire

Front page, sporting section and all.


There was an old man of Philly,

 

Who was hooked on the movie Free Willy.

He quit his job at the jail,

for a dolphin and whale,

And so was the life of Wee Willy.


There once was a poet named Dan,

 

Who’s poetry never would scan.

When told this was so,

He said, “Yes, I know”

“It’s because I try to put every possible syllable into the very last line that I can” !!


There was an announcer named Herschel

 

Whose habits became controversial,

Because when out wooing

Whatever he was doing

At ten he’d insert his commercial.


There once was a girl named O’Neil

Who went up on the great ferris wheel

But when half way around

She looked at the ground

And it cost her an eighty cent meal

 

 

Food and Drink Limericks

There once was a lady from Hyde,

Who ate a green apple and died,

While her lover lamented,

The apple fermented,

and made cider inside her inside.


There once was a lady named Perkins

Who simply doted on Gherkins

They were so nice

She ate too much spice

and pickled her internal workin’s


A sweet-toothed man from DeBreeth

Was sweet-toothed without any teeth.

He said, in my eye,

“Looketh good, that there pie.

Now, could I jutht have one thmall peeth?”


The once was a woman named Pat

Who just ate butter and sat;

She withered away

Until one day

Nothing was left butter fat.


There was a young fellow of Leeds

Who swallowed six packets of seeds.

In a month,silly ass,

He was covered with grass,

And he couldn’t sit down for the weeds.


There was a guy named Willy

Who liked to eat chile,

One day he ate too much,

His stomach went grunch

and made his house a smelly.


There once was a lady names Linda,

Who sat all day by the winda.

Her thoughts set astray

By a nice Cabernet,

While her dinna turned into a cinda.


I once met a man from Alaska,

Who ate only bowls of Pasta,

He went away,

And too his dismay,

They never again make Pasta!!!


There once was a guy named Sam

Who never experienced spam

He gave it a shot

And liked it allot

From then on he disliked ham.


A hungry young fellow named Marvin

Sat dreaming of turkeys and carvin’.

So a lady brought Spam,

But he said, “Thank you, ma’am;

I prefer the alternative: starvin’.”


There one was a man from Peru,

Who dreamed of eating his shoe,

he awoke with a fright,

in the middle of the night,

and found that his dream had come true!


There was a farmer from Leeds,

Who ate six packets of seeds,

It soon came to pass ,

He was covered with grass,

And he couldn’t sit down for the weeds


there once was a guy who ate shrooms

He took them and ate them in rooms

one day he dropped one

then put it on a bun

now when he farts, flowers bloom


I shivered and started to pine

When handed a glass of turpentine

And said, “Sorry, daddy-o,

This goes on the patio,

And does not taste at all like red wine.”


There once was an old guy from Ruit

who wouldn’t eat nothin’ but fruit

he danced with the dog

had tea with a hog

which made most the people eat soup


I remember a fellow named Louie,

Who ate 17 bowls of chop- suey,

When the eighteenth was brought,

He became overwrought,

And we watched as poor Louie went Blooie!!


 

 

Science, Technology and Education Limericks

There once was an old man of Esser,

Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,

It at last grew so small

He knew nothing at all,

And now he’s a college professor.


There once was a lady, Ilene,

 

Who liver on distilled kerosene,

But she started absorbin’

A new hydrocarbon

and since then she’d never benzene


I’ve been studying all night and I’m tired,

 

But I can’t sleep because I’m so wired.

So I’ll play on the net

‘Stead of going to bed,

And my tests will seem a quagmire.


There once was a young man of Trinity

 

Who found the root infinity.

But the digits

Gave him infinite fidgits,

So he dropped math and took up divinity.


Now if V over P be inverted

And the root of P be inserted

X times into V

The result, QED

Is a relative, Einstein asserted.


There once was a guy named Bret,

Who went on the INTERNET,

And sent an e-mail

to his beloved female

Who never loved him, yet.


A man called Fiddle,you see,

Was a student of divinity.

“When I graduate

‘Twill be my poor fate

To be known as Fiddle D.D.!”

 

 

 

 

How You Can Tell When It’S Going to be a Bad Day

Here are 15 signs that you are going to have a really bad day.

  1. You wake up – face down on the pavement
  2. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
  3. You see a “60 minutes” news team waiting for you in your office
  4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
  5. Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
  6. You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city
  7. Your twin sister forgets your birthday
  8. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don’t have a waterbed
  9. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of hells angels on the freeway
  10. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and YOU have a headache
  11. Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat
  12. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
  13. You wake up and your braces are locked together
  14. You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business
  15. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife

Jake’s Dying Confession to his Wife

Jake was dying.  His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.  She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.  Her praying roused him from his slumber.  He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.  “My darling Becky,” he whispered.

“Hush, my love,” she said.  “Rest. Shhh, don’t talk.”

He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice.  “I . . . I have something I must confess to you.”

“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky.  “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”

“No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I . . . I once kissed your Sister, held hands with your best friend, and went on a date with your Mother!”

“I know” Becky whispered softly. “That’s why I poisoned you.”

George Bush Greets Moses

After a campaign tour, George W. Bush was waiting in the airport for his flight to be called.  Off at the edge of the waiting area, Bush saw a tall man with white hair and a flowing white beard.  The guy was dressed in a robe, and he was carrying two large, flat pieces of stone, carved with what looked like Hebrew words.  George W. walked up to the guy, who seemed uncomfortable being so close to George. “Excuse me, sir,” said Bush, “but aren’t you …Moses??”

The stranger turned away, but George was insistent and kept at the guy.  “You *are* Moses … I’d recognize you anywhere!”  And finally, “Why are you so rude?  Can’t you at least say hello?”

To which Moses replied, “The last time I talked to a Bush, I wound up walking around in the desert for 40 years!”

Top Ten Suggestions for Guys Playing Golf or While Using a Public Bathroom

Here are Funny Grins top ten suggestions for guys playing golf (or while using a public bathroom).

10. Keep back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder-width apart

9. Form a loose grip

8. Keep your head down

7. Avoid a quick backswing

6. Quiet please!… while others are preparing to take their shot

5. Stay out of the water

4. Try not to hit anyone

3. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you

2. Don’t stare while others address their balls

1. Don’t let anyone see you take those extra strokes!