I’m Gonna Freeze the Attitude Out of That Parrot

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday.  The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.   Every other word was an expletive.  Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.  Noting worked.  He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.  He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.  For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream.  Then suddenly there was quiet.  Not a sound for half a minute.  David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior.  I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

Compile our Family History – but Leave George Out of It

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition.  Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower.  They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.  They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.  They hired a fine author.

Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.  The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared.  It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

Witness, Please Answer the Question

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify.  A severe no- nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it’s rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

“Will you state your name?” asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair, she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair, and was reseated on the witness stand.  The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

“Well, doctor,” continued the district attorney without changing expression, “we could start with an easier question.”

The Biggest Lie Wins the Dog

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I would never tell a lie.”

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”

Make sure you know your pilot before you take off

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire.  Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.  He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go!   Let’s go!”  The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!   I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

The Red, Yellow and Blue Jerks of the Highway

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a man dressed from head to toe in red is standing on the side of the highway and gestures for him to stop. He rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?”

With pleasure, he hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away.

Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop. A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I do for you?”

“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?”

Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again.

In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop, no matter what. To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have?”

“Driver’s license and registration, please.”

Volunteer Firemen Save the Day

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. “That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”

True Aviation Rules to Live By

The following are rules every aviator lives by:

  1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
  4. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
  5. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  6. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  7. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  8. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the oppo- site direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  9. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
  10. In the ongoing battle between objects made of alumi- num going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  11. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  12. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

At his funeral you must say my brother was a saint

There were two evil brothers.  They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye.  They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect religionists.   Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired.  Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.   All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.  The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

“I have only one condition,” he said.  “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.”

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.  “He was an evil man,” he said.  “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:   “But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

Taking the law into your own hands is fine unless you’re breaking it

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at the top of her voice that she knew how to use it and that she would if required, so they should get out of the car. The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

Small problem – her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station. The officer to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman. No charges were filed.