Top 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Top 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

  1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
  2. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.”
  3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
  4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
  5. Hand me that… uh… that uh… that thingy there.
  6. Uh oh, I brought my car instruction manual by mistake
  7. Oh no! Where’s my Rolex.
  8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
  9. There go the lights again?
  10. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys? and this guy’s got two of ’em.”

Top Reasons why some Men favor Handguns over Women

Top Reasons why some Men favor Handguns over Women

  1. You can trade in an old 44 for a new 22, no questions asked
  2. You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you’re on the road
  3. Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.
  4. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo
  5. A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
  6. A handgun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
  7. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

A F ewExcellent Pick-up Lines

A Few Excellent Pick-up Lines that Really Work

Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Top 30 Pilot Rules of Flight

Top 30 Pilot Rules of Flight

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed. (Isn’t that why they came up with checklists? 🙂

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

Top 10 Police Quotes

Top 10 police quotes

  1. “The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
  2. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
  3. “So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
  4. “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
  5. “Warning! You want a warning? Ok, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
  6. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not – was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
  7. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
  8. “Life’s tough, but it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”
  9. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
  10. “Just how big were those two beers?

Top 30 Benefits of Growing Older

Benefits of Growing Older

  1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  2. It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
  3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
  5. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  6. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  7. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
  8. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  9. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  10. You can eat dinner at 4:00
  11. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
  12. You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
  13. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  14. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
  15. You enjoy hearing ! about other people’s operations.
  16. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  17. You got cable for the weather channel.
  18. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
  19. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  20. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.You send money to PBS.
  21. You sing along with the elevator music.
  22. You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
  23. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  24. Your back goes out more than you do.
  25. Your ears are hairier than your head.
  26. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  27. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  28. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
  29. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them.
  30. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Top 20 Sayings you’d like to see on Office inspirational Posters

Top 20 Sayings you’d like to see on Office inspirational Posters

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings…they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

Top 10 Things you don’t want to Hear in the Tattoo Parlor

10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear in the Tattoo Parlor

1. “Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE.”

2. “We’re all out of red, so I used pink.”

3. “There are 2 O’s in Bob, right?”

4. “Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy.”

5. “That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie.”

6. “Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups.”

7. “Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.”

8. “I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.”

9. “The flag’s all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.”

10. “Ooooooops!”

Top 10 Signs you Might be a Frog

Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Frog

1. You get mad when you don’t find a fly in your soup.

2. You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly.

3. French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you

4. Bug lamps appear to you as a curse.

5. On applications, you list ‘Pond’ as your home address.

6. Kermit is your idol.

7. You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit.

8. Have seen the movie ‘The Fly’ at least ten times

9. You live in fear that someday you will wind up in a child’s aquarium.

10. France is the evil empire to you

Top 10 Excuses if caught Sleeping at Work

Top 10 Excuses to use if you Get Caught Sleeping at your Desk at Work

10. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

9. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”

8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!”

7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”

6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”

5. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”

4. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

3. “The coffee machine is broken…”

2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”

And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.

1. ” …… AMEN!”