Polish Death by What?

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.  The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten you?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did you hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill you?”

“No.”

” Then why in God’s name did you think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found a bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me.”

He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.   The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh.  The immigrant became indignant and said, “What’s so funny?  Can’t you see the label on the bottle says `Polish Remover’?”

The Difference in Dogs and Women

We love ’em both.  One is Man’s best friend and the other is, well…  Here’s the subtle differences between dogs and women.

  1. Dogs don’t cry.
  2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
  3. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
  4. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
  5. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  6. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
  7. Dogs are excited by rough play.
  8. Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
  9. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
  10. Dogs don’t shop.
  11. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
  12. A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
  13. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
  14. A dog’s parents never visit.
  15. Dogs love long car trips.
  16. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
  17. Dogs like beer.
  18. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
  19. Dogs never criticize.
  20. It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
  21. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
  22. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
  23. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
  24. You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hour a day.
  25. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelery.
  26. Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
  27. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
  28. Dogs can’t talk.
  29. When a dog gets old and snaps at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Yes I Know Him

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman.  He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.  I’ve known you since you were a young boy.   And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.   You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.   You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned.  Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.   I used to baby sit him for his parents.  And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.   He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.   The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.   Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.   In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

Bear Questions and Answers

You asked for it and Funny Grins delivers.  Questions and Answers from those lovable but scary creatures – Bears!

Q: What kind of money to polo bears use?
A: Ice lolly!

Q: Have you ever hunted bear?
A: No, but I’ve been shooting in my shorts!

Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!

Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear faced lyre!

Q: Why do bears have fur coats?
A: Because they’d look stupid in anoraks!

Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A: A teddy boar!

Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear!

Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A: A little bear!

Q: What’s yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear’s forgotten cousin!

Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the Pooh!

Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?
A: Put him on stilts!

Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A: A polo bear!

Q: Why do polo bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear place!

Q: What do polo bears have for lunch?
A: Ice burger!

Q: What’s a teddy bears favorite pasta?
A: Tagliateddy!

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: They both have ‘the’ as their middle names!

Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
A: It lives on ice!

Q: Why shouldn’t you take a bear to the zoo?
A: Because they’d rather go to the cinema!

Q: What is a bear’s favorite drink?
A: Koka-Koala!

Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?
A: Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!

Ant Questions and Answers

You asked for it and Funny Grins delivers.  Questions and Answers from those little critters we love to hate – ants!

Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!

What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!

What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!

What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!

What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!

What is smaller than an ant’s dinner?
An ant’s mouth!

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

How many dogs, broken down by breed, does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Rottweiler: Try and make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Screw it in yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…

Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? You mean that thing that I just ate was a light bulb?

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

Animal Questions and Answers

Get it here first.  Rarely heard but real-life animal questions and answers from Funny Grins.

Q: What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
A: Milk and quackers

Q: What kind of necktie does a pig wear?
A: A pigsty

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not going to come anyway.

Q: What is black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?
A: A fallen penguin rolling down a hill.

Q: What is black and white and laughing?
A: The penguin that pushed him.

Funny Bumper Stickers and T-Shirt Slogans

The following are a collection of funny quotes taken straight from car bumper stickers.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I intend to live forever – so far so good.

Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

No, I wasn’t playing Devil’s Advocate.  I really think your idea is stupid.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman’s favorite position is CEO.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.

Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?

Don’t let your mind wander, it’s far too small to be let out on its own.

Don’t thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?

He always finds himself lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.

Now we know why some animals eat their own children.

Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.

Talk is cheap, but that’s ok, so are you.

This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.

I bet you get bullied a lot.

I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.

I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.

I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.

I don’t think you are a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.

I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

I like you.  People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.

I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck.  Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.

I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand me.

I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.

If you were twice as smart as you are now, you’d be absolutely stupid.

I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.

I’ve come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.

Pardon me, but you’re obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.

People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

She’s the first in her family born without tail.

That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.

What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.

Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.

What’s wrong, don’t you get any attention back home?

You are not even beneath my contempt.

You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.

You grow on people, but so does cancer.

You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.

You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.

You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you’re doing your best.

Your mind isn’t so much twisted as badly sprained.

You’re a habit I’d like to kick – with both feet.

I Can Read Your Mind – Honestly

Judi has been working as a secretary at a new firm for a week when her boss tells her “I’ll tell you a little secret.  I can read your mind!”

“Really?” says Judi.

“Yep,” replies the boss, as he looks her deep into her eyes.  “For instance, I know you’ve had a date with a man called Bob last Tuesday.”

“WOW!” exclaims Judi, “Unbelievable!  That’s true!”

“And,” continues the boss, “your mom’s birthday is April 22”.

“WOWEE!” says Judi, “I can’t believe it!  You really CAN read my mind!”

“Well actually”, her boss says, “you’ve left your private diary in my room yesterday”.

“Fantastic!” says Judi, “you even know THAT!”