Top 10 Ways to Know you have PMS

Top 10 ways to know you have PMS:

10. Everyone around you has an attitude  problem.

9. You’re adding chocolate  chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You’re using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, “How’s my driving? Call 1-800-WHO-CARE.”

5. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.

3. You’re counting down the days until menopause.

2. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1.  The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.



10. Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Whoa! Hoe Nearly Takes Down Highway Bridge

The pictures below show the aftermath of an accident that occurred on the evening of 13 February 2006 on Interstate 70 near Hays, Kansas.  The driver of the truck misjudged the height of the overpass which did not allow clearance for the backhoe that he was hauling.  The gash in the bridge measured 45 feet and penetrated through the top of the bridge deck.  The highway remained closed for over a week (and the bridge remained closed even longer).  The driver was not injured although he did receive a ticket for not having clearance to haul the backhoe on the interstate.  The Kansas Department of Transportation said the construction company for which the driver worked would be liable for the cost of repairs to the overpass, which were estimated at $134,000 as of late March 2006.





I got away with murder

Two prisoners are in their jail cells talking about the crimes that they committed.

Prisoner 1: “I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years”

Prisoner 2: “Hmm. I killed a man, and I’m here for 3 days”

Prisoner 1: “*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???”

Prisoner 2: “Yeah, the victim was a lawyer.”

Attorney Questions and Answers

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: No? Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?

A: There was an empty seat.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?

A. In the cemetary.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?

A: Redundant.

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three–one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?

A: New Jersey got first pick.

Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on an attorney?

A: A doberman pinscher.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?

A: Not enough cement.

Q: What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyer’s don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?

A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?

A: Because deep down, they’re really nice guys.

Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?

A: Who cares?

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?

A: They lie still.

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

A: Other lawyers look interested.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?

A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: When lawyers die, why don’t vultures them?

A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?

A: A lawyer.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A: Your honor.

Touch Lawyer Math

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, “How much is two plus two?” Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, “Four.”

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, “How much is two plus two?” The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, “How much do you want it to be?”