But it sure looks like plastic

An attorney walked into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.  He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks like plastic.”  Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”

The drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it.  “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is.  Where did you get it?”

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose!”

The amazing hamster

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle else no drink”, says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”

“Not so”, says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

Doctor, I hurt all over

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.

“You have to help me doc, I hurt all over”, said the woman.

“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “can you be a little more specific.”

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and then gave her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”

All I want for Christmas is…

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him so he asked her, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied the girl sweetly.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’

Without turning a hair the girl answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’