Where should I park my car?

One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast.  They hear the announcer say, “We are going to have eight to 10 inches of snow today.  You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”  Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.  You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”  Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.  You must park… ”

Then the electric power goes out.  Norman’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.  Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”  With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time, honey?”

The Irish vs. the French

Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.  Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland.  I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

Well, Paddy,” Sarkozy replied, “This is indeed important news!  How big is your army?”

Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Sarkozy paused. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

Begorra!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Sarkozy asks.

Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy’s farm tractor.”

Sarkozy sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.  Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on!  We have managed to get ourselves airborne!   We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.  My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.  And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.  “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Sarkozy!   I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Sarkozy.  “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no freakin’ way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.”

Make and wish and you’ll never work again

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp.  Since he’d heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out.  So he rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie.

The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?”

The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!”

So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.

Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn’t even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!”

And poof, he was there. Then the government worker decided on his third wish, “I don’t want to do any work ever again!” and poof — ubiquitous ironic twist — he was back in his office.

Nuts at the old ballgame

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.  For weeks in advance he coached his patients to respond to his commands, and when the day of the game arrived everything went very well… at first.

As the National Anthem started the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts,” and the patients complied, all standing up.  After the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts,” and they all sat back down in their seats.  After a home run was hit the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts.”  They all broke into applause and cheered.  When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts,” and they all began booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their responses, the doctor decided to go get a coke and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge of his patients.  When he returned there was a near riot in progress, people screaming and cursing.

Finding his frazzled assistant, the doctor asked, “What happened?”

His assistant replied, “Well everything was going just fine, Doc, until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

Lone Ranger Star Gazing

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.  After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.  Some hours later, Tonto wakes up the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look up toward sky, what you see?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.   Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What’s it tell you, Tonto?”

“You dumber than buffalo, Kemo Sabe. It means someone steal tent.”

My Time is up When?

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.  Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.  She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!  Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.  While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?  Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied: “I didn’t recognize you.”

Three men and the Genie

Three men – a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer – are in Miami beach for a two-week period helping out on a project.  About midweek, they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour.  Halfway up the beach, they stumble upon a lamp.  As they rub the lamp, a genie appears and says, “Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.”

The hardware engineer goes first.  “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.”  The genie grants him his wish and sends him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer is next.  “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.”  The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it’s the project manager’s turn. “And what would your wish be?” asked the genie.

“I want them both back after lunch” replied the project manager.

Mind if I talk to your sheep?

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Oklahoma Hills .

Cowboy: “Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”

Indian: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin’ all right.”

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” (pointing at the Indian)

Dog: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Indian: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Really good.  Thanks.”

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing to the Indian)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: ” How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good.  He rides me , brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.”

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Indian: “Sheep lie.”

Disguised blonde counting sheep

A blonde dyed her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on.  She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm.  She said to the farmer, “If I can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?”

“Ok,” said the farmer.   So she quickly counted them and said 91.

The farmer looked around astonished and said, “Alright take one.”

As she was walking back to her car the farmer said, “If I can guess your natural hair color can I have my dog back?”

Old man Murphy dies at the Brewery

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn’t paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.  The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man’s death.

He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.  When she came to the door, he said, “I’m sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned.”

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, “Tell me, did he suffer?”

“I don’t think so,” said the foreman: “He got out three times to go to the men’s room.”