Osama’s Inter-Cave Memo

From: Bin Laden, Osama

Sent: Monday, October 22, 2001 8:17 AM

To: Cavemates

Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We’ve all been putting in long hours but we’ve really come together as a group and I love that.  Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says “There is no I in team” as well as the one that says “Hang In There, Baby.”  That cat is hilarious.  However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can’t forget to take care of the cave.  And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave.  Hey, you don’t want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily.  I’ve posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it’s not often I make a video address but when I do, I’m trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay?  That means that while we’re taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background.  Just while we’re taping.  Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one.  As you know, by edict, we’re not supposed to shave our beards.  But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime.  We’re all in this together.

Fourth: food.  I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote “Osama” on the front, and put it on the top shelf.  Today, my Cheez-Its were gone.  Consideration.  That’s all I’m saying.

Finally, we’ve heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks.  I want to set up patrols to look for them.  First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Death to infidels,

Osama

Quick Terrorism Q&A

“It’s a bird!”

“It’s a plane!”

“It’s…. Uh Oh, it IS a plane!”

 

Q: What should have tipped off the ticket sellers?

A: When the terrorists asked if there was anything cheaper than one-way.

 

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

 

Q: What is the Taliban’s national bird?

A: Duck

 

Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?

A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

 

Q: What’s the five-day forecast for Afghanistan?

A: Two days.

How much for a brain?

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it’s inoperable – in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – there’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, “This is a ripoff – how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?”

The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

Anyone seen my watch?

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there.

“NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed.

“Your a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.

“Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.

“HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic.  All you care about is your possessions.  I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

Wanted Dead or Alive

Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Larry asked,”Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

The Rude Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.  With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.  Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, ‘You stay out of this mister!  I’m talking to that little twerp on your lap!’

The Husband Store for Impossible Women

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.  “That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more.”  So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.  “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.  “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.