After the 4/10/2017 video footage of a passenger being roughed up after refusing to give up his seat to airline employees, United Airlines is suffering a brutal takedown of its own. Their motto, “Fly the Friendly Skies” seems to have lost its meaning. Instead, here are some funny new mottos we believe the beleaguered airline should now consider.
- Not enough seating? Prepare for a beating!
- United Airlines: Now serving Punch!
- Just imagine how we treat your luggage.
- Hey, we said the “skies” were friendly…
- Early boarding, late boarding, water boarding – all the same to us.
- Board as a doctor, leave as a patient.
- Please keep feet out of the aisle – we need dragging room.
- You carry on, we carry off.
- We can re-accommodate you the easy way… or the hard way.
- United Airlines: Now offering the Mike Tyson experience.
- She’s got a ticket to ride – and we don’t care.
- New boarding policy: “Eeny, meeny, miney, mo…”
- Would you like a window seat… or a concussion?
- No only can our United family not wear leggings, but tickets must be paid for with the blood of an innocent.
- If you weren’t afraid of flying before, you will be now!
- We put the hospital in hospitality.
- We treat you like we treat your luggage.
- We’ll beat any price – and any customer.
- If we overbook, you’ll catch a right hook.
And for the competing airlines…
- Southwest – we beat the competition, not you.
- We’re here to keep you safe. Dragging is strictly prohibited.
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Below we have a collection of funny flight-attendant and pilot announcements along with some hilarious pictures of Kulula’s beautiful airplanes.
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
“People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
On landing, the stewardess said,
“Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
“Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced,
“Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
From a Kulula employee:
“Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”
“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses..”
And from the pilot during his welcome message:
“Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
“That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline”. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
“Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
The little old lady said,
“Did we land, or were we shot down?”
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement:
“We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”
Heard on a Kulula flight:
“Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, “Watch this!”, and promptly went into a barrel-roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, “That was impressive, but watch this!”
The C-130 droned along for about five minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
The C-130 pilot chuckled. “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, visited the restroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.”
The following are collection of (supposedly) true announcements made on some of the more humorous national airlines.
Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your personal comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
As the plane landed and was coming to a particularly hard stop on the runway , a calm, but authoritative voice came over the loudspeaker commanding: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing at the airport, the flight attendant announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, we can be pretty damn sure everything has shifted.”
Weather at our destination is balmy 50 degrees with some broken clouds – but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive at the gate. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Grand Dragon Airlines.
Remember, your seat cushions can be used as a flotation device. In the event of an emergency landing, you may use the seat cushions to paddle safely to shore and by all means, take them with our compliments.
A flight attendant’s announcement after a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a particularly rough landing, the attendant announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”
We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Grand Dragon Airways.
A popular airline recently introduced a new special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great success and feedback from their marketing promotion, the airline sent out letters to wives of all the businessmen who had used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip.
The airline is befuddled from the hundreds of responses they received from the wives asking, “What trip?”
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:
Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire”
Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft”
Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t”
Solution: “IT DOES NOW”
Problem: “Something loose in cockpit”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit”
Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear”
Solution: “Evidence removed”
Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level”
Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield”
Solution: “Live bugs on order”
Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold produces a 200 fpm descent”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground”
Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for”
Problem: “Number three engine missing”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search”
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”
The following are rules every aviator lives by:
- Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
- If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
- Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
- The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
- The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
- A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
- You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
- Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the oppo- site direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
- Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
- In the ongoing battle between objects made of alumi- num going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
- It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
- Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.