Make sure you know your pilot before you take off

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire.  Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.  He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go!   Let’s go!”  The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!   I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

True Aviation Rules to Live By

The following are rules every aviator lives by:

  1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
  4. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
  5. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  6. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  7. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  8. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the oppo- site direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  9. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
  10. In the ongoing battle between objects made of alumi- num going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  11. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  12. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

Sorry, this plane will lift all this hunting gear

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the take off.”

“That’s baloney!” says one of the hunters.

“Yeah,” the other agrees, “you’re just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn’t afraid to take off!”

“Yeah”, said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!”

The pilot got angry, and said, “Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!”

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush. Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?”

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, “I’d say… About a hundred yards further than last year.”