The following are collection of (supposedly) true announcements made on some of the more humorous national airlines.
Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your personal comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
As the plane landed and was coming to a particularly hard stop on the runway , a calm, but authoritative voice came over the loudspeaker commanding: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing at the airport, the flight attendant announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, we can be pretty damn sure everything has shifted.”
Weather at our destination is balmy 50 degrees with some broken clouds – but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive at the gate. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Grand Dragon Airlines.
Remember, your seat cushions can be used as a flotation device. In the event of an emergency landing, you may use the seat cushions to paddle safely to shore and by all means, take them with our compliments.
A flight attendant’s announcement after a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a particularly rough landing, the attendant announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”
We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Grand Dragon Airways.
The following is a real-life exchange between air traffic controllers and British Airways 747.
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them so it was with some amusement that pilots listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird) after landing.
Speedbird: ” Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.”
Ground: “Guten Morgen, taxi to your gate.”
The BA747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: “Speedbird do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird: “Standby Ground, I’m looking up the gate location now.”
Ground: (with typical German impatience) “Speedbird 206 have you never been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird: (coolly) “Yes in 1944 but I didn’t stop.”