Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, “That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?”
The guy catches his breath, then says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the jerk who pushed me in the pool!”
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now, that’s more like it.)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
On average, people fear spiders more they they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of….? Did the government pay for this research?)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew? Who cares? Did the government pay for this too?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while it’s head is attached to its body. The female initiates reproductive sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Hi, honey. I’m home. What the…?)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)
Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don’t have brains. (I know some people like this too.)
While sports fishing just off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?”
“Naw,” the man hollered back, “They ain’t been around for years!”
Feeling safe the tourist started swimming leisurely towards the shore. About halfway there, he asked the beachcomber who was observing him from shore. “How did you get rid of the gators?”
“We didn’t do anything,” the man responded.
“Wow,” saaid the tourist. “You mean they just stopped coming around?”
“No,” the beachcomber responded, “The sharks got ’em.
A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices for a pair of shoes. “I’ll just catch my own alligator,” she told one shopkeeper,” so I can get a pair of shoes for free.” She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up. “Oh, no!” the blonde shouted in dismay. “This one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”