“UFO Detector” sold on Amazon gets four-stars and some hilarious customer reviews

UFO Detector (sold on Amazon)

Advertised on Amazon as a “UFO-02 Detector, magnetometer interfaced with micro controller for detecting magnetic anomalies”, the little gizmo sold by Images SI Inc. has managed to garner a four-star rating (on 104 reviews) and a ton of hilarious customer reviews worthy of Reddit. According to the manufacturer, the UFO Detector is “designed to sense these electromagnetic disturbances and signal their detection flashing 16 LED’s simultaneously and beeping” and comes in a “handsome sculptured conversation” case. The thing is selling like hotcakes and is currently out of stock. Here’s some reviews from both happy and unhappy customers.

Five Stars

This little gizmo is a bargain at twice the price and much more accurate than the voices in my head.

One Star

I don’t know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn’t work and I am still getting abducted by UFO’s on a regular basis.

One Star

Do not buy this so called “UFO detector”. It’s not a detector at all, it’s a transmitter. A wireless transmitter with a direct link to the government.

One Star

For years, I have suffered from UFO – Urinary Flow Obstructions – and I thought this UFO Detector would help. I often need to pee, but I cannot, because there is debris lodged in my urethra. Alas… I waved the UFO Detector over my genitals, and it beeped and flashed, but there was no correlation to the signals and the location of the latest UFO.

Two stars

I bought this item recently from another vendor. The order was intercepted by customs who later sent out a pair of agents to investigate. One of them was a man in a WWII jacket and the other was a woman with a heavy Welsh accent. They kept asking about any other foreign material in my possession and seemed unusually interested in my marble collection.

Five stars

I must have been thinking “what the hell?” when I bought it on one of my drunk internet shopping sprees. Usually those are bad decisions which I end up returning. I’m not sure how I even came across this device.

When it came to my doorstep I scratched my head, asking myself, “Oh, good lord, what did I buy now?” When I cracked it open I had a good laugh. I couldn’t resist testing it out.

The strangest thing happened. It went off. Like, it REALLY went off. There was no one around. My cat was in the far back room. So I shut it off and waited for my fiance to come home. I was with him when he turned it on and sure enough it acted possessed again. He was about to tinker with it to see where the problem was when I went outside to check our mailbox.

The moment I left the front door, it stopped. When I came back in, it lit up like the fourth of July.

Like any concerned person, I was wondering if there was something wrong with me. After several doctor appointments, cat scans, and psychological exams, I could think of no one else to turn to. Except the church.

The Church of Scientology, that is.

I found out I’m not alone. There are about 8 million of us thetans out there waiting to find our way back home, to each other.

My life is forever changed. Now when I look into the sky, I don’t ask “are we alone?” Instead I look at the stars and see my long-lost home, from which I and my people were exiled.

One star

I, as a resonable and trUstworthy hUman, do not gleep nerp this ungood prodUct. Bad it is for Us hUmans to purchase and opperate this online pUrchasable prodUct.

As the person from Earth that I am, I think that all of my other fellow hUmans on Earth should immediately disUse and florgnify this Utterly Zorglefran, I mean bad item for bUying. Ha Ha. I am laughing with hUmor with the funny word I made up with my typing that I am not doing by direct thought extraction, and instant data transmission to Amazon.com website. Ha Ha. That was highly hUmoroUs and glerp.

UFO detectors are so dUmb because all humans from Earth like the one I am, know that we I mean they do not even exist! Ha Ha

Besides even if the alien friends did exist, who minds occassional anal probe for benefit of aliens that don’t exist glerp science! I, as a resonable and trustworthy human person from Earth sure wouldn’t mind helping our fUtUre overlords!

Do not bUy this prodUct.

Four stars

I purchased this gizmo to play a prank on my husband Brad, who still prattles on about his “fourth-kind” encounter when he was just thirteen. (The 4th kind involves a probe, if you’re wondering. I keep saying it was likely his redneck neighbor dressed as ET, but that possibility is too dreadful for him to truly accept.)

On the anniversary of Brad’s alleged abduction, I placed the device by our bedside, then set-up an electromagnetic wave generator under the bed, with a timer to go off right at midnight. (If you’re wondering where to get one, I recommend the Skymall Catalog. I also picked up some Motivational posters and fake garden rock speakers to save on shipping. You’re welcome.)

But back to my prank. It was all set to go, and I was as giddy as a six year old waiting for Santa. But like a typical six year old, I fell asleep before the damn thing went off. I awoke to the flashing of multiple LEDs from the UFO-02 Detector, and bolted up, eager to see Brad’s petrified face. Aha!

But Brad wasn’t there.

In fact, I wasn’t even in our bedroom any more. Instead, I stood face-to-face with Leonardo da Vinci. Or perhaps it was Professor Dumbledore, I’m not really certain. In either event, It was a manifestation that the being I shall call the “Intelligence” had determined my brain would most easily accept for deliverance of The Message.

You see, the Intelligence had come to convey to us humans that the Imperative was nigh, that what we loosely dub the Singularity was only the beginning of a limitless existence unbounded by physical space and time, and that sugar-free alternatives are actually WORSE for us than the real deal. He made sure that last point was clear by making me repeat it twice.

When I came to, Brad was sound asleep in his tin foil hat, the UFO-02 detector was gone, and, sure enough, all of my Splenda had been replaced with little, brown raw sugar packets. When I tried to tell Brad about Leonardo/Dumbledore and The Message, he rolled over away from me, grumbling that I shouldn’t eat so much ice cream or any dairy product before bed.

One star

I don’t think this product works at all. I’ve been using it for several weeks now and it’s gone off a couple times in a big way, but they’ve all been false alarms.

About the second night after I first received this detector I remember it going off like crazy, right before I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, though I couldn’t remember falling asleep, and my anus was really sore and I had sunburns on only one side of my body, there was no sign of any aliens.

I took this out to my uncle’s farm in the country one evening, since I wanted to see how it worked away from all the electronic interference of the big city. It was again another huge false alarm. It again went off at night, and we again found no signs of aliens in the morning. My uncle and I noticed that some of his cattle and fallen over and accidentally disemboweled themselves, which my uncle was upset about. And some kids from his neighborhood flattened out some of his crops in an elaborate design, but we could see no signs of aliens.

Every time this thing goes off and I go outside to check out the sky, all I see are things like a weather balloons or unexplained atmospheric phenomena, but no aliens.

I would seriously recommend against purchasing this product.

Four stars

I was understandably excited when I discovered this product, having left some crucial gear behind when I had to abandon ship with little warning. Hey, it happens; at least I was able to grab my towel and guide on the way out.

I found myself stranded on this planet with no way to detect or signal passing craft. Not that there are likely to be many of these – the place is rather off the beaten path, and even my trusty guide has little to say about it. But sooner or later, someone will come, and I need to be prepared when that happens.

Amazon.com to the rescue! Thanks to this handy detector, I will surely know when a ship is in the neighborhood…now all I need is a means of signalling the ship.

Five stars

This product is a life saver, and it has changed my life forever. It may surprise you to hear that I used to be a paranoid person. I would sit up in my tinfoil hat all night long with one eye open, just in case those alien parasites decided to come for me. It became a kind of obsession. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t trust anyone, because what if they were really the aliens that had descended and taken my real daughter, Alex, hostage. Even she just couldn’t be trusted.

This detector changed all of that. I can now feel safe in my own home, and I have even taken to leaving the tinfoil hat in my fanny pack until this glorious device goes off. I am no longer confined to my room, because this device is so convenient and portable. I have started to pay more attention to my surroundings here on earth, and boy do you miss a lot when your eyes are always aimed at the sky! For instance today I realized that not only was Alex not an alien, but she was actually a he!

Sources: Amazon

Man calls police when Amazon package arrives on his doorstep

From the “Doh!” archives, an Ohio man recently called the police when a suspicious package arrived on his doorstep.  Here’s the clipped article that explains it all:

Hudson – A Sullivan Road resident called police to report a “suspicious package” on his front porch Nov. 2 at 3:20 p.m. The resident said the observed an unknown person leave the package and called police, according to the police report.  The officer said he could see the package was clearly labeled with the Amazon.com logo and asked the man if he had ordered anything from the firm recently.  The man reportedly said “Why yes. I did.” The officer told the resident his order had arrived.  The resident then said he was comfortable opening the box.  The officer then left the scene, according to the report.

 

The article reads as follows:

Hudson – A Sullivan Road resident called police to report a “suspicious package” on his front porch Nov. 2 at 3:20 p.m. The resident said the observed an unknown person leave the package and called police, according to the police report.  The officer said he could see the package was clearly labeled with the Amazon.com logo and asked the man if he had ordered anything from the firm recently.  The man reportedly said “Why yes. I did.” The officer told the resident his order had arrived.  The resident then said he was comfortable opening the box.  The officer then left the scene, according to the report.