Department of Homeland Security Alert

Re: Department of Homeland Security Alert

We’ve just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.  Five of the six have been apprehended: Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.  Security is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time.

Signed:

Department of Homeland Security

A new American Holiday

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the answer. “You will die on an American holiday.”

“Which one?” Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

“It doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!”

Handy Phrases For Traveling in the Middle East

A few handy phrases translated to English — in case you’re ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.  I must have the recipe.

BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.

American Women…Do Your Part To Help! Stand Up, Be Seen!

We need to get this message out. Please forward, America needs your help!

The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since the hard line Islamic people cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tonight at 7:00 pm, all women should run out of their house naked to help weed out the terrorists.

The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you.

God bless America.

Signed,

William Jefferson Clinton

Bin Laden’s Great Wall

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day.  They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

“I will give each of you one wish, that’s three wishes total,” says the Genie.

The Canadian says, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.”

With a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state.”

Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam, asks, “I’m very curious.  Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out — virtually impenetrable.”

Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water.”