The Centipede

The Centipede

 

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.”

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?”

[Wait for it…]

This time, a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m putting my shoes on!”

Animal Limericks

A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud

Who was frightened and screamed very loud

Then a happy thought hit her

To scare off the critter

She sat up in bed and just meowed

 


There once was a guy named Matt

Who had an overly large cat

When it chased a mouse

It shook the whole house

So Matt got rid of the cat.


A wonderful bird is the Pelican.

His beak can hold more than his belly can.

He can hold in his beak

Enough food for a week!

But I’ll be darned if I know how the hellican?


There once was a funny old whale

who had a magnificent tail

A seaport moved out

when the whale came about

and attempted to swim in a pail.


A dinosaur stomped into a mall

where people are tiny and small

Now why did you think

I was really extinct

the dinosaur roared with a drawl.


There was a fat cat on a mat

Who liked to chase mice named pat.

He chased them around

And fell on the ground

And smashed them until they were flat!


A centipede from Syracuse

Played 2nd base for the Backyard Blues.

He was two hours late

Reporting to the plate

After tying all of his shoes.


There once was a cat named Pat,

Who didn’t know where he was at,

He looked up and down,

and then turned around,

Ran into a wall and went splat!!!


There once was a bear at the zoo

Who always had something to do

When it bored him, you know,

to go to and fro,

he reversed it and went fro and to.


There once was a kitty named spike,

A daring and very bold tyke.

He took many chances,

Without consequences,

Until he got squashed by a bike.


There was a toxic rat,

Who loved to slurp up fat,

He burped up a gopher,

That smelled of sulfur,

And also threw up a cat!


There once was a boy named Lee,

Who liked to throw rocks at a tree.

One day the tree quivered,

and Lee shaked and shivered

When out shot hundreds of bees!


There lived a young cow in MA

He always had his own say

On the grass he would chew

Saying merrily moo moo

He often even ate hay


There once was a snake named Lena,

Who swallowed a concertina,

And when she was squeezed,

Way up in the trees

She played the macerena.

 


 

There once was a Kangaroo

Who lived in a large zoo

He had a big pouch

when he fell he said ouch

That was pretty stupid too

 


 

There once was a cute little bunny,

Who I thought was sweet and funny.

He ate all the carrots,

And looked at the parrots,

And that was my cute little bunny.

 


There once was a frog from a city

 

Who jumped on a really cute kitty

He thought he might

Get thrown out at night

And walk on home feeling pity.

 


There once was a butterfly from France.

Who flew up and did a dance.

She thought that she might

crash into a kite

And never do another dance.


There once was a frog from a pond

Who hopped to a really long frond

She thought that she might

Escape from the light

And hide before she turned blonde


There once was a deer called Buck,

And into the garden he snuck,

he waited all night,

til’ the time was right,

Then jumped out and got hit by a truck!


One day, when Joey the snail

Stepped out to fetch his mail,

A human being

Without really seeing

Did step on poor Joey’s tail.


There once was a frog named Cog

who liked to sit on a log

one day he slipped off

because of his cough

and now he’s in the bog


There once was a dog named Dred

His masters name was Fred

He fell off his bike

When he hit a spike

Now Dred’s master is dead.


What a wonderful bird is the pelican

His beak can hold more than his belly can

He can hold in his beak

Food enough for a week

But I’ll be damned if I know how the hell he can.

 


There once was a very small bug.

 

Every one liked to call him Doug.

He walked on the cement,

And ended up getting bent.

Now he looks just like a slug.

 


 

 

There once was a lizard named Fred,

Who liked to sleep in his bed

His bed of concrete

Heck! It was the street!

And now you know why he’s dead.


There once was a pig in New York.

The butcher said what good pork.

His knife went slish slash,

Cut open a gash,

Now the butcher he needs just a fork.


There was a young curate from Kew

Who kept a tom cat in a pew

And taught it to speak

Alphabetical Greek

But it never got further than ‘µ’.


There once was a man, named Bill Clinton

Who owned a cat named “Socks” from a kitten

He said,” You know, Sock

Your the only friend that I Got”

Sock said,”Who the hell are you sh*****?


In a castle that had a deep moat

Lived a chicken a duck and a goat

They wanted to go out

And wounder about

But all they needed was a boat


On a farm lived a talking llama

Who had to be killed by the farma.

He kept down his dread

(’til they lopped off his head)

By singing John Lennon’s “Instant Kharma”.


There once was a bird colored blue

that would simply sit in the dew

one day it got wet

and so their it set

until the wind finally blew