Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

Why did the chicken cross the road?

PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay!  Isn’t it obvious?  Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face?  The chicken was going to the “other side.”  That’s what “they” call it the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.  And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.”

DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road?  Did he cross it with a toad?  Yes!  The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.

RONALD REAGAN What chicken?

KEN STARR I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road.  The chicken is another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law.

CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES I have just released the “eChicken 2000” program operating system, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and loose them AND balance your checkbook.

EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.  What do you mean by chicken?  Could you define chicken please?

GEORGE W. BUSH I don’t think I should have to answer that question.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you will see, represents the black man.  The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens and said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.”  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


Sometimes it Does Take a Rocket Scientist

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maxi- mum velocity.  The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made.  But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA’s response was just one sentence, “Thaw the chicken.”

I’m Gonna Freeze the Attitude Out of That Parrot

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday.  The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.   Every other word was an expletive.  Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.  Noting worked.  He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.  He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.  For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream.  Then suddenly there was quiet.  Not a sound for half a minute.  David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior.  I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

Super fast chickens

One day Ma an Pa were out for a Sunday drive.  They’re driving along at about 40 mph when Pa hears “cluck, cluck”.  He looks out the window and running beside the car is a chicken.  Pa increases his speed to 60 mph, looks out the window, and the hen is still running alongside the car, not even breaking a sweat.  Pa increases the speed of the car to 80 mph but then the chicken makes a sharp right hand turn into a long driveway.

Pa follows the chicken.  He pulls up outside an old house where there’s an old man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch.  He then notices that the chicken has three legs and there are hundreds just like her running around loose in the yard.

Pa asks the old man, “Are these your chickens?”

The old man replies, “They is.”

Pa asks, “Do you breed these chickens?”

The old man spits off the porch and says “I duz.”

Then Pa asks, “Why have they got three legs?”

The old man says, “One leg for me, one for ma, and one for the boy.”

“Oh, I see” says Pa.  Then he asks, “What do they taste like?”

The old man replies, “Wouldn’t know – we’ve never been able to catch one.”