Famous funny Phyllis Diller one-liners and hilarious quotes

Phyllis Diller was an American actress and standup comedienne who made an artform out of wisecracking. She was prolific, self-deprecating and slyly radical: Her jokes tended to focus on her failings as a housewife, her lack of sex appeal, and the shortcomings of an imaginary husband (Fang) and overweight mother-in-law.

Here are a few of Phyllis Diller’s famouse funny lines and quotes.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… And reduce the crime rate.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, “Who could have done this? We have no enemies.”

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.

Fang can’t stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn’t mean I’ve been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on me.

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, “Have you seen where they’re settling?”

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, “There’s a dead bird.” He looked up.

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, “If you love me, blink your eyes.”

You know you’re getting old when your back starts going out more than you do.

I was born at home on newspapers … I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

 

Summary of Life

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

  1.  You believe in Santa Claus.
  2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
  3. You are Santa Claus.
  4. You look like Santa Claus.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

  1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
  2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
  3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
  4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
  5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food..
  6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
  7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
  8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts..
  10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

  1.  Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
  2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.
  3. Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
  4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground…
  5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
  6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.

At age 17 success is . . Having a driver’s license.

At age 35 success is .. . … ..having money.

At age 50 success is . . . Having money….

At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . … . Having friends.

At age 80 success is . . .. Not peeing in your pants.

 

Dad’s gonna ride in the back seat this time

16-year-old Little Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license.  To celebrate, the whole family filed out to the driveway and climbed into the car for Little Johnny’s first drive.  Without stopping, Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re gonna sit back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his old man.

“Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years.”

 

Kid and Children Limericks

There once was a kid named Darren

Who’s room was surprisingly barren

He had no toys

Like all normal boys

But he did believe in sharing


There once was a girl whose name was Jen.

 

Whose room was as messy as a pig pen

It got so cluttered

She shook and muttered

Oh, but everything blends, AMEN.


There once was a boy from Montreal

 

Who loved to play basketball

For a team he tried out

But if he made it, I doubt

For you see, he was three feet tall!


There once was a young girl from Crete

who was so exceedingly neat,

when she got out of bed

she stood on her head

to keep from soiling her feet.


There once was a boy named Joe

Who dropped a big brick on his toe

He asked, with a frown,

“Will the swelling go down?”

And the doctor said, “Yes. I think so.”


There once was a monster named Ned

He hid under little kids beds

He laid there all night

Waiting for a big bite

Only to be kicked in the head

 

 

 

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.  They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.  They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.  The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.  So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergy- man in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”   They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.  So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?”  Again the boy made no attempt to answer.  So the clergy- man raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.  God is missing – and they think WE did it!

Wanted Dead or Alive

Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Larry asked,”Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”