It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,”What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
The defendant replied, “Before the store opened.”
What does Frosty eat for lunch?
What kind of mug does a snowman use for lunch?
A Frosted One!
What does Frosty like to put on his icebergers?
What food do you get when you cross Frosty with a polar bear?
A “brrr” – “grrr”!
Why did Frosty go to the middle of the lake?
Because snow man’s an island!
What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him?
The cold shoulder!
What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick?
A chill pill!
What can bite & nip at your toes but has no teeth?
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a shark?
Who are Frosty’s parents?
Mom and Pop-Sicle!
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
What does Frosty’s wife put on her face at night?
What does Frosty eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes! (or was that “Frosted Flakes”?)
Where do Frosty and his wife go to dance?
What does Frosty the Snowman wear on his head?
An ice cap!
Where does Frosty keep his money?
In a “Snow”-bank! (it is cold cash after all!)
What did the police officer say when he saw Frosty stealing?
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-man!
What does Frosty call ice?
What did Frosty call his cow?
What is green, covered with tinsel and goes “ribbet ribbet”?
Did you hear about the cat that swallowed Mrs. Claus’ yarn?
She had mittens!
What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
“‘Tis the season to be jelly!”
This year even the toys are stressed out!
Yeah, they come already wound up!
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
What do you call an exploding Christmas tree?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Why is the turkey such a fashionable bird?
Because he’s always well dressed when he comes to dinner!
Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy!
Why did the mosquito buzz around the bar?
Because he was a “bar humbug”!
What kind of money do they use at the North Pole?
I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year.
That’s because it’s on my charge card statement that long!
Where do you keep a Christmas tree?
Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four!
Where would you find chili beans?
At the North Pole!
Wayne in a manger!
What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
What do Eskimos use to hold their homes together?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
A Christmas definition:
The time of year when you exchange “hello’s” with strangers and “good buy’s” with friends!
What is white, lives at the north pole and runs around naked?
A polar bare!
What is in December that isn’t in any other month?
The letter “D”!
I know its the thought that counts, not the size of the pressie…
But couldn’t people think bigger?
Holly-days are here again!
What did one angel say to the other angel?
What did the dog breeder get when she crossed an Irish Setter with a Pointer at Christmastime?
What do sheep say to each other at Christmastime?
Merry Christmas to ewe!
What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?
How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
How do Chihuahuas say Merry Christmas?
What’s the best thing to put into Christmas dinner?
Why should Christmas dinner always be well done?
So you can say “Merry Crispness”!
A definition of Christmas:
The time when everyone gets “Santa”-mental.
What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?
A sad candy cane!
What did one Christmas cracker say to the other Christmas cracker?
My POP is bigger than yours!
Donut open ’til Christmas!
What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor?
What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter “Y”!
What do angry mice send to each other in December?
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What happens if you eat too many Christmas decorations?
You get “Tinsel”-itis!
“Do you ever buy Christmas seals?”
“No, I wouldn’t know how to feed them.”
What is the best key to get at Christmas?
What’s the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?
A list of everything you want!
Why is it so cold at Christmas?
Because it’s in Decembrrrr!
What kind of Christmas tree comes from Hawaii?
“O Tanning Palms”!
What do wild animals sing at Christmastime?
Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!
What’s the favorite Christmas Carol of new parents?
Where do mistletoe go to become famous?
A Christmas thought:
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping!
What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A Sony sleigh station!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She’d go to a “re-tail” shop for a new one!
Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he’s a “rain”-deer!
Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
When should you give reindeer milk to a baby?
When it’s a baby reindeer!
Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!
Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can’t hear you!
What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
This one will “sleigh” you!
How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-“deer”!
Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch?
What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
How do you get into Donner’s house?
You ring the “deer”-bell!
What’s red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was “elf”-taught!
Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!
Where does Santa stay when he’s on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!
What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santa on his birthday?
“Freeze a jolly good fellow!”
What does Santa put on his toast?
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??
Santa! The other two don’t exist!
What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!
What do the elves call it when Santa claps his hands at the end of a play?
Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
What do you call Santa when he has no money?
What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
A jolly roll!
What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won’t take themselves!
What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!
How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
Because he’s always in the pole position!
What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
What’s red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like “rain”, “Dear”!
How does Santa take pictures?
With his North “Pole”-aroid!
Why does Santa’s sleigh get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side!
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A “Holly” Davidson!
Where does Santa go to vote?
The North Poll!
What’s red and white and falls down the chimney?
What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?
What nationality is Santa Claus?
Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!
What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!
What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!
What kind of music do elves like best?
What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?
Why, shortbread of course!
What kind of money do elves use?
Why did Santa’s helper see a therapist?
Because he had low “elf” esteem!
How long should an elf’s legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!
What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
“First, YULE LOG on”!
Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!
What’s the first thing elves learn in school?
Who sings “Blue Christmas” and makes toy guitars?
Who lives at the North Pole, makes toys and rides around in a pumpkin?
Holly up already and Elf me wrap this present for Santa!
Yule be sorry if you don’t Holly up and Elf me wrap this present for Santa!
Snow time to be playing games! Yule be sorry if you don’t Holly up and Elf me wrap this present for Santa!
One elf said to another elf, “We had Grandma for Christmas dinner”.
And the other elf said, “Really? We had turkey!”
Why do elves scratch themselves?
Because they’re the only ones who know where its itchy!
How do elves greet each other?
“Small world, isn’t it?”
Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes?
A real Christmas Card!
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because Santa had said, “No L!”
Why did the elves ask the turkey to join the Christmas band?
Because he had the drum sticks!
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get?
What’s another name for Santa’s helpers?
Where do you find elves?
Depends where you left them!
How does Frosty the Snowman get around?
On an “ice”-icle!
Top 10 things to say about a Christmas gift you do not like:
10. Hey! Now there’s a gift!
9. Well, well, well…
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!
4. I love it – but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don’t deserve this.