Two men were driving to their first heist when the passenger admitted to the driver that he was probably too scared to pull off the job. The driver scolded him, “Don’t be such a baby. You’ll do just fine. Just give them our demands and they will cooperate. You can do this.”
The robbers pulled up to the bank and the passenger bravely exited the car, calmly walked into the bank, confidently approached the bank teller, boldly pulled out his gun, and said, “All right mother stickers, this is a screw up, put your brains in the bag, or I’ll blow the money all over the floor.”
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,”What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
The defendant replied, “Before the store opened.”
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents.
“Was that all you wanted?” Tim replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in my shoe!”
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw “wanted” pictures, posted on the wall, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a criminal that was wanted by the law.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to find and capture him.”
With a puzzled look on his face, little Johnny asked, “Well, why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
A burglar breaks into a home. He spots a stereo system that looks good so he grabs it. Then he hears a voice “JESUS is watching you”.
He looks around with his flashlight wandering “What the hell was that?”. He spots some money lying on a table so he grabs it and stuffs it in his pocket. Once again he hears a voice ” JESUS is watching you”.
He ducks in a corner and looks around the room trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks ” Was that your voice?”.
The parrot says “YES”.
The burglar then asks, “What’s your name?”.
The parrot says “MOSES”.
The burglar laughs and says ” What kind of person names his bird moses??”
The parrot replies “The same kind of person that would name their Rotweiler Jesus”.