A man is visiting the cemetery to place flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother. He places the flowers on the grave and is walking back towards his car when he notices another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man was touched and decided to approach him. “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever encountered before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself and then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
“I’ve got good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed, “What’s the bad news?”.
With concern, the gallery owner replied, “The guy was your doctor.”
A man who hadn’t been feeling well for quite some time, went to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you sir,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left to live.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How must time have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? Ten what?!”
Before he can finish his sentence, the doctor interrupts, “Nine…”
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.
“Why Bloomingdales?” asked the rabbi.
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
Stand up Comedy Quotes
Dr. Kevorkian. We called him a ‘suicide doctor’? That’s like calling a fireman a ‘pyromaniac fireman.’
So what’s malpractice for Dr. Kevorkian? You live?
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.” (Bill Maher)
Jack Kevorkian once said, “The pay is okay, but the work is murder…”
Kevorkian Pick-up Lines
Top Ten Dr. Kevorkian Pick-up Lines
10. The papers call me ‘Dr. Death,’ but the ladies call me ‘Dr. Love’
9. Can I buy you a cyanide margarita?
8. You are drop-dead gorgeous!
7. I have needs that can’t be met by killing people in the back of my van
6. Want to hear about my new suicide technique? Swimming the Hudson
5. You’ll never go out with anyone else again
4. My friends say I look like Brad Pitt — but the probably just say that so I don’t kill them
3. If you put a quarter in my suicide machine, it vibrates
2. In my professional medical opinion, you are terminally hot
1. How about a non-lethal injection?
Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
A: To help the patient find the other side.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician!
Dr. Jack died doing what he loved the most- dying.
In the News
Jack Kevorkian has been released from prison eight years after a tape of him helping a terminally ill man commit suicide was broadcast on “60 Minutes”. Kevorkian has promised authorities he will not assist in any more suicide attempts for the terminally ill, though he did tell “60 Minutes” producers that if Andy Rooney catches a cold, they have his number.
I heard this on WBCN (Boston) radio last night: Jack Kevorkian now want’s a gun permit, do you know what this means? The drive-through is now open.
Note: Many Osama (Usama) bin Laden references below are topical and related to other news events of the day. Read jokes in context of the date the death occurred.
Osama bin Laden’s death In the news headlines
News Flash: Osama bin Laden dead. Trump demands death certificate [days after Trump demanded the birth certificate of President Obama].
Osama bin Laden – Out of the Playoffs [Obama death occurred during the NBA playoffs].
Osama bin Laden Releases New Cave Video: Claims Al-Qaeda Responsible for his Death
Breaking News: U.S. Terror Alert Level raised to “Confetti”
Breaking News: Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Damme return home early from last minute holiday at a secret location…
Osama Bin Laden was pronounced dead today. HIs condition is described as Good.
News Flash: Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Osama’s Death
Osama bin Laden is Dead Twitter posts
They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life…
Bin Laden must have had his contact information in his PlayStation account…
What did al-Qaida learn from Osama bin Laden’s death? Location, location, location.
At least he got to see the royal wedding before he went out.
This is good news for the other guys on the top 10 wanted list – finally they get to move up in the rankings.
Wait! Nobody celebrate until we find Waldo too!
My birth certificate? Seriously Trump? Trump this, bitch.
How sad. Mrs. bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to Single/Widowed…
Man, I would NOT want to be 72 virgins right now…
Looks like Osama signed up for Foursquare on the wrong day…
Queue the 9 and a half year search for the “body”…
Osama Bin Laden is dead but we still need to find the other 7 horcruxes.
Save country from financial ruin – Check. Provide birth certificate for nay sayers – Check. Find and kill Osama – Check. Resolve Democrat and Republican animosity by salvaging at least a part of Bush’s legacy – Damn, how many years do I have left?
[As Internet traffic surged and social networking sites experienced slowdowns] As his last act of terrorism, Osama Bin Laden is blowing up my facebook newsfeed…
Osama bin Laden is Dead – Funny (and stupid) Facebook Posts
My mom just doesn’t get it
My mom was so excited about Osama’s death that she changed her Facebook profile picture. I don’t think she gets its…
The killed who?
John: I cant believe Osama is dead…
Jule: What? What happenedd?
John: Where have you been? He was killed last night.
Julie: You’re kidding me. The President is dead?
But I do geography
Wait who is osama bin laden again? I thought he got hung like 4 years ago? Considering I do geography i should reeeeally know this kinda thing
Toby Keith just wrote two albums in the last hour.
Mark Twain: “I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
R.I.P Osama Bin Laden – World Hide And Go Seek Champion (2001 – 2011)
So Bin Laden is finally dead. It’s amazing what the Americans can do when the PlayStation network is down. [the death occurred during a prolonged, major outage of the Sony PlayStation network]
Looks like Jeff Dunham is going to have another partner for Achmed the Dead Terrorist
I would make an Osama joke but they’ve probably all Bin done.
Saturday Morning -Prince William and wife postpone honeymoon and fly off on helicopter. The Couple have asked that their privacy be respected during the coming weekend.
Saturday Night – Col Gaddafi’s son and grandchildren bombed.
Sunday Night – Osama Bin Laden killed
Osama will be kicking himself, if he’d been martyred before Friday night there would have been the off-chance of Kate being one of his 70 virgins.. [the Prince William/Kate Royal Wedding had just concluded prior to Bin Laden’s death]
“One thing we learned, bombing works. … We’ve flown over 2,800 sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done $39 in damage. But we’re a compassionate nation … and when this is all over, we’re going to put the rocks and dirt back.” —Comedian Al Franken
Dear Osama—–I WIN! Sincerely Waldo.
Osama found hiding in mansion in Abbottabad. Talk abbotabad place to try and hide…
[From Obama to bloggers across the Internet] Come on guys, The S and the B are not even that close together.
I swear, if Barack Obama finds WMDs in Iraq I’m gonna be pissed…
Bush: Hmmmm…. In a mansion? I guess when they said he had a “really cool man cave”, I misunderstood… [for several years it was thought that Bin Laden was hiding in a remote cave]
Neal Brennan: “So great to see Barack Obama defeat the man who brought so much pain to the city of New York – Donald Trump.” [Days before the big news was Trump demanding to see Obama’s birth certificate proving he was born in the United States]
A man walks into a bar and orders a “Bin Laden”.
Bartender asks, “what’s a Bin Laden?”
Man responds, “Two shots with a splash of water.”
Click the pictures below for a full-size view of the picture.
When you die, who gets the last laugh? In these instances, the poor soul that departed this Earth leaves us with hilariously funny epitaphs and tombstones. The following are pictures of real-life funny tombstones.
If you find a funny tombstone on your next visit to a grave at your local cemetery, send your photograph to Funny Grins and we’ll post them online (and give you credit).
Note: click the image to view a full-size picture.