No free advice

A doctor and an attorney were attending a formal party where they started up a casual conversation.  As they talked, people kept approaching the doctor describing their aches and pains and asking the doctor for advice.  The interruptions irritated the doctor but he kept his wits and smiled while he provided free advice.  Finally, the doctor turned to the attorney and asked, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for free legal advice when you are not in the office?”

The attorney smiled.  “I give it to them, ” replied the doctor, “and then I send them a bill in the mail.”

The doctor had never thought about that.  He was a little surprised but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, a patient approached the doctor on the street and asked what she could do to help stop a severe itch she was having.  The doctor smiled and explained a few medications she could try.

The next day, the doctor prepared a bill for the women.  When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

You have ten to live

A man who hadn’t been feeling well for quite some time, went to his doctor for a complete check-up.  Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

“I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you sir,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left to live.”

“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How must time have I got?”

“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.

“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? Ten what?!”

Before he can finish his sentence, the doctor interrupts, “Nine…”

Give me the worst bad news first

A elderly man goes to the doctor for a checkup.  After the doctor conducts the examine and reviews the results, the calls the patient into the room telling him that he had a couple of items of bad news to pass on.

The patient says, “Give me the worst of the bad news first!”

The doctor replies, “You’ve got AIDS.”

“Oh, no! What could be worse than that?” asks the patient.

“You’ve also got Alzheimer’s Disease.”

Looking relieved the patient says, “Oh…Well, that’s not so bad. At least I don’t have AIDS.”


You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with a patient

Doctor Bob had gone out with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.  No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t.  The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.  But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: “Bob, don’t worry about it.  You aren’t the first doctor to go out with one of their patients and you won’t be the last.  And you’re single.  Let it go….”

But invariably the other inner voice would bring him back to reality: “Bob, you’re a vet.”

Doctor, I hurt all over

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.

“You have to help me doc, I hurt all over”, said the woman.

“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “can you be a little more specific.”

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and then gave her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”

Top 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Top 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

  1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
  2. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.”
  3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
  4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
  5. Hand me that… uh… that uh… that thingy there.
  6. Uh oh, I brought my car instruction manual by mistake
  7. Oh no! Where’s my Rolex.
  8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
  9. There go the lights again?
  10. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys? and this guy’s got two of ’em.”

How much for a brain?

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it’s inoperable – in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – there’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, “This is a ripoff – how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?”

The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

Honey, what’s for dinner?

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.  Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.  Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

“That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.  He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”  Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”  No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.  “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”