Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a home. He spots a stereo system that looks good so he grabs it. Then he hears a voice “JESUS is watching you”.

He looks around with his flashlight wandering “What the hell was that?”. He spots some money lying on a table so he grabs it and stuffs it in his pocket.  Once again he hears a voice ” JESUS is watching you”.

He ducks in a corner and looks around the room trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks ” Was that your voice?”.

The parrot says “YES”.

The burglar then asks, “What’s your name?”.

The parrot says “MOSES”.

The burglar laughs and says ” What kind of person names his bird moses??”

The parrot replies “The same kind of person that would name their Rotweiler Jesus”.

Pets show us the right way to relax

The pets below, in this cute set of sleeping pets pictures, show us the right way to relax.

 

Cat sleeping in shoe
Cat sleeping in shoe

 

Cat sleeping in between folded towels
Cat sleeping in shoe

 

Cat sleeping in cat tray
Cat sleeping in shoe

 

Cat sleeping upside down on cat climber
Cat sleeping in shoe

 

Cat sleeping across a clothes rack
Cat sleeping in shoe

 

Cat sleeping on back of couch
Cat sleeping in shoe

 

Another cat sleeping on the back of a couch
Another cat sleeping on the back of a couch

 

Cat sleeping on top of a dog
Cat sleeping on top of a dog

 

Cat sleeping on keyboard of laptop
Cat sleeping on keyboard of laptop

 

Cat sleeping on a towel
Cat sleeping on a towel

 

Cat sprawled straight
Cat sprawled straight

 

Cat sleeping with baby chick
Cat sleeping with baby chick

 

Cat sleeping with tennis shoes on
Cat sleeping with tennis shoes on

 

Cat sleeping on laptop keyboard
Cat sleeping on laptop keyboard

 

Cat sleeping with arms around a kitten
Cat sleeping with arms around a kitten

 

Mother and kitten sleeping in bathroom sink
Mother and kitten sleeping in bathroom sink

 

Cat sleeping sprawled on chair
Cat sleeping sprawled on chair

 

Dog sleeping on stomach
Dog sleeping on stomach

 

Dog sleeping in flowers
Dog sleeping in flowers

 

Dog sleeping with tongue hanging out
Dog sleeping with tongue hanging out

 

Three cats sleeping in a row
Three cats sleeping in a row

 

Cat laying across top of wooden fence
Cat laying across top of wooden fence

 

Cat sleeping in gutter
Cat sleeping in gutter

 

Cat sleeping across two wooden bar stools
Cat sleeping across two wooden bar stools

 

Cat sleeping with head on dresser
Cat sleeping with head on dresser

 

Cat sleeping holding a stuffed bunny
Cat sleeping holding a stuffed bunny

 

Cat sleeping hanging out of cat bed
Cat sleeping hanging out of cat bed

 

Cat sleeping curled up in box
Cat sleeping curled up in box

 

Cat sleeping in flower pot
Cat sleeping in flower pot

 

Cat sleeping
Cat sleeping

Man, that was one delicious leopard

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.   He took his faithful dog along for company.  One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost.  So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.  The dog thinks, “Boy, I’m in deep doo doo now.”  Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.  Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Man, that was one delicious leopard.   I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close.  That dog nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So, off he goes.   But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.  The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.  The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,” What am I going to do now?”   But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn’t seen them yet.   And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, “Where’s that monkey.  I just can never trust him.  I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he’s still not back!!”

The Difference in Dogs and Women

We love ’em both.  One is Man’s best friend and the other is, well…  Here’s the subtle differences between dogs and women.

  1. Dogs don’t cry.
  2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
  3. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
  4. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
  5. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  6. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
  7. Dogs are excited by rough play.
  8. Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
  9. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
  10. Dogs don’t shop.
  11. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
  12. A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
  13. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
  14. A dog’s parents never visit.
  15. Dogs love long car trips.
  16. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
  17. Dogs like beer.
  18. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
  19. Dogs never criticize.
  20. It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
  21. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
  22. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
  23. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
  24. You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hour a day.
  25. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelery.
  26. Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
  27. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
  28. Dogs can’t talk.
  29. When a dog gets old and snaps at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

How many dogs, broken down by breed, does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Rottweiler: Try and make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Screw it in yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…

Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? You mean that thing that I just ate was a light bulb?

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

Animal Questions and Answers

Get it here first.  Rarely heard but real-life animal questions and answers from Funny Grins.

Q: What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
A: Milk and quackers

Q: What kind of necktie does a pig wear?
A: A pigsty

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not going to come anyway.

Q: What is black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?
A: A fallen penguin rolling down a hill.

Q: What is black and white and laughing?
A: The penguin that pushed him.

Say liver and cheese and you can have me

A Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog walk into a bar for a drink. A great-looking female collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman says, I love liver and cheese.”

The collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”

The bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.”

The collie says, “That’s not creative enough.”

Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone… cheese mine.”

The mathematical dog

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his dog. He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, “This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet $5 that you can ask him anything and he will tell you the right answer.”

So the bartender says, “All right. What is 10 + 11 + 13?”

The dog says, “34.”

“Wow,” says the bartender and hands over the  $5 note.

Then the man says to the bartender, “Don’t let  my dog go anywhere, I have to go to the toilet.”  He hands the dog the $5 to hold onto while he’s in the toilet.

The bartender and the dog start having a conversation and the bartender says, “If you’re so smart, go down the road and get me a newspaper.” So the dog leaves, and then the man comes out of the toilet.   He asks the bartender where the dog is.

The bartender says, “The dog went to get me a newspaper.”

The man if very upset that the bartender let the dog leave.  He goes out to find his dog. He looks all over until he sees his dog in an alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You’ve never done this before.”

The dog says, “I’ve never had $5 before either.”