But it sure looks like plastic

An attorney walked into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.  He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks like plastic.”  Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”

The drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it.  “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is.  Where did you get it?”

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose!”

This is how you know you’re really drunk

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.

The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?”

“Oh,” said the man, “I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough.”

Higher Level New Years Learning

On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.   As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?” asked the police officer.

“I’m on my way to a lecture,” answered Roger.

“And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?” enquired the constable sarcastically.

“My wife,” slurred Daniel grimly.

Can I get a push?

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.  The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.  “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”  He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunken guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.  He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.