This guy put this sign in his front window to explain his life to his neighbors and then tells them what they can do with it.
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time this month and found the boss waiting for him at his desk.
“What’s the story this time, Jones?” the boss asked while dripping sarcasm. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river. I ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockette dancers.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”
“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?”
“It’s called the door!”
Top 20 Sayings you’d like to see on Office inspirational Posters
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings…they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment
Top 10 Excuses to use if you Get Caught Sleeping at your Desk at Work
10. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
9. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”
8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!”
7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”
6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”
5. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”
4. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
3. “The coffee machine is broken…”
2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. ” …… AMEN!”
Top Ten reasons to go to work without any clothes…
1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!”
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. No one steals your chair.
10. Eliminate the fear of getting your tie caught in the elevator doors. Oh wait…
Re: Department of Homeland Security Alert
We’ve just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended: Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
Department of Homeland Security
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. Since he’d heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?”
The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!”
So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn’t even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!”
And poof, he was there. Then the government worker decided on his third wish, “I don’t want to do any work ever again!” and poof — ubiquitous ironic twist — he was back in his office.
Three men – a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer – are in Miami beach for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek, they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumble upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp, a genie appears and says, “Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.”
The hardware engineer goes first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.” The genie grants him his wish and sends him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer is next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.” The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it’s the project manager’s turn. “And what would your wish be?” asked the genie.
“I want them both back after lunch” replied the project manager.