A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady’s cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, “If this new vacuum doesn’t pick up every bit of dirt then I’ll eat all the dirt.”
The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, “Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?”
There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died,
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
and made cider inside her inside.
There once was a lady named Perkins
Who simply doted on Gherkins
They were so nice
She ate too much spice
and pickled her internal workin’s
A sweet-toothed man from DeBreeth
Was sweet-toothed without any teeth.
He said, in my eye,
“Looketh good, that there pie.
Now, could I jutht have one thmall peeth?”
The once was a woman named Pat
Who just ate butter and sat;
She withered away
Until one day
Nothing was left butter fat.
There was a young fellow of Leeds
Who swallowed six packets of seeds.
In a month,silly ass,
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn’t sit down for the weeds.
There was a guy named Willy
Who liked to eat chile,
One day he ate too much,
His stomach went grunch
and made his house a smelly.
There once was a lady names Linda,
Who sat all day by the winda.
Her thoughts set astray
By a nice Cabernet,
While her dinna turned into a cinda.
I once met a man from Alaska,
Who ate only bowls of Pasta,
He went away,
And too his dismay,
They never again make Pasta!!!
There once was a guy named Sam
Who never experienced spam
He gave it a shot
And liked it allot
From then on he disliked ham.
A hungry young fellow named Marvin
Sat dreaming of turkeys and carvin’.
So a lady brought Spam,
But he said, “Thank you, ma’am;
I prefer the alternative: starvin’.”
There one was a man from Peru,
Who dreamed of eating his shoe,
he awoke with a fright,
in the middle of the night,
and found that his dream had come true!
There was a farmer from Leeds,
Who ate six packets of seeds,
It soon came to pass ,
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn’t sit down for the weeds
there once was a guy who ate shrooms
He took them and ate them in rooms
one day he dropped one
then put it on a bun
now when he farts, flowers bloom
I shivered and started to pine
When handed a glass of turpentine
And said, “Sorry, daddy-o,
This goes on the patio,
And does not taste at all like red wine.”
There once was an old guy from Ruit
who wouldn’t eat nothin’ but fruit
he danced with the dog
had tea with a hog
which made most the people eat soup
I remember a fellow named Louie,
Who ate 17 bowls of chop- suey,
When the eighteenth was brought,
He became overwrought,
And we watched as poor Louie went Blooie!!
Two Arkansas farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the SAME price ($1) they’d paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they’d ended up with no more money than they’d started with.
“See!” said one. “I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck.”
Q: Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
Q: Why aren’t you allowed to incernerate clowns?
A: Because they burn funny.
Q: Why did the lion say after he at the clown?
A: Hey, that tasted funny!
Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying Egg Nog
“Am I feeling sufficiently noggy today?”
“What’s the best egg-to-nog ratio?”
“I have high cholesterol — is there egg white nog?”
“What other disgusting egg-based beverages could I try?”
“Has this egg nog been approved by the Nogmaster General?”
“Is egg my best choice of nog?”
“Which one’s the egg nog that all the rappers drink?”
“What would Martha Stewart drink?”
“How long will this stuff keep in my spider hole?”
You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
- You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- All your kids are named “Joe.”
- Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.”
- The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- You’re so wired, you pick up FM radio.
- Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
- You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
- You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
- You get drunk just so you can sober up.
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
- You don’t tan, you roast.
- You can’t even remember your second cup.
- You introduce your spouse as your “Coffeemate.”
- You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”