An easy way to get that corpse into his blue suit

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he’s in his brown suit. She’d specifically told the funeral home that she wanted him buried in his favorite blue suit.  She was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he’d been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.

She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit. The undertaker said, “But madam! It’s only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can’t possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said, “Who’s paying for this?”

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he’d been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.

The funeral director said, “Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!


Don’t eat the Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.  In death’s final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.  He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs.  Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus.  With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing in the kitchen.  Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.  Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.  His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.  He felt renewed strength pulsate through his body.  The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife……

“Go away, ” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

What I’d like to Hear at my Funeral

Three friends arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same time.  As part of their orientation to heaven, St Peter asked what kind of remarks they would most like to hear from their family and friends at their funerals.

“I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a good family man,” said the first man.

“I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and that, during my career as a schoolteacher, I made a difference in many lives,” chimed in the second fellow.

“Those tributes both sound terrific,” replied the third man, “but I’d like to hear them say, `Look! He’s moving!'”

Death, Painful, and Angry Limericks

There once was a consumer named Phil

Who really wanted to kill

A sly young vendor

Who mad him a big spender

And gave him a very large bill.

There was a young man from the Clyde

Who fell down a sewer and died

Along came his brother,

Who fell down another

And now they’re interred side by side!

There once was a fellow named Clyde

who went to a funeral and cried.

When asked who was dead,

he stammered and said

I don’t know, I just came for the ride.


I know a Prince named Will,

Who’s mother has been killed.

Oh, he loved her so,

And with tears he showed,

How truly her love was real.

A kid on a skateboard named Beanie

Raced with a red Lambourgini

He ran out of luck

and into a truck

The pieces they found were quite teeny!






At his funeral you must say my brother was a saint

There were two evil brothers.  They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye.  They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect religionists.   Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired.  Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.   All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.  The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

“I have only one condition,” he said.  “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.”

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.  “He was an evil man,” he said.  “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:   “But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”