Blonde Questions and Answers

Q: What do you call an eternity?

A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?

A: They think their picture is being taken.

The magic mirror

Once upon a time, there was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.   If you told a lie, the mirror would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think…’ and it sucked her in.

The 500 Dollar Question

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.  The lawyer leans over to the blond and asks her if she would like to play a fun game to pass the time.  The blonde just wants to take a nap so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer, persistent, tells the blonde that the game is really easy and a lot of fun to play.  He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.  If you know the answer to the question, I pay you $5.”

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries again to grab a few winks.  The lawyer, refusing to give up, says “Okay, if you don’t know the answer to the question then you pay me $5 but if I don’t know the answer to the question, I will pay you $500!”  Figuring that since she is a blonde, he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde’s attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.  “What is the distance from the earth to the moon?”  The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it over to the lawyer.

The blonde’s turn, she asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down the hill with four?”  The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.  He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.  He hooks into the airplane’s WiFi network and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress.  Frustrated, he send email to all his coworkers and friends.  All to no avail.  After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Eighty Eight Bam

A brunette standing along side a busy road chanting “88, 88, 88, 88…”   A blonde walked up to her and said, “that looks like fun, can I try?” The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, “88, 88, 88, 88..”

“Well,” said the brunette, “this is fun but what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street!” So the blonde said “OK” and stood in the middle of the street. “88, 88, 88, 88-” BAM! she was run over by a car, flattened as flat as a pancake.

Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, “89, 89, 89, 89..

Hanging on for dear life

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card