God, please help me find a parking spot

A man is harried, frantic, and nervous.  He’s late for an interview, and he’s been driving around the block for 20 minutes trying to find a spot.

In desperation, he looks to the heavens and pleads “God, if you will give me a parking spot right now, I promise, I’ll give up drinking forever.”

Just then, a parking spot opens up right in front of him.  He looks back up to God and says “nevermind, found one.”

God give me the strength to cross this river

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river.  They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.  The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”

Poof!  God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools…and the intelligence… to cross this river.”

And poof! God turned him into a woman.  She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

Religion and God Limericks

There was a young man who said, God

Must think it exceedingly odd

If he finds that this tree

Continues to be

When there’s no one about in the Quad.


Dear Sir:

Your astonishment’s odd:

I am always about in the Quad.

And that’s why the tree

Will continue to be,

Since observed by

Yours Faithfully,

GOD.


There once was a demon named Bob

Who was contented to plunder and rob

He shot out lost souls

Through tiny nose holes

For that was his long-lasting job.


Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior

“Your singing is quite inferior!”

She,not to be crass,

did show some real class

Said,”You can kiss my posterior!”


 

You’ve Got Plenty of Life Left in You

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.  Seeing God, she asked if this was it.  God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.  She even had someone come in and change her hair color.   Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital.  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?”

God replied, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you.”

Moses and his threesome on the golf course

Moses put together a threesome and they hit the links. Moses pulled up to the tee, took out his driver, and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but bounced directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee with a 3 iron and hit a beauty, straight as an arrow, directly toward the same water hazard. It was headed straight for the water but instead of sinking when it hit, it merely skipped across the surface and landed on the green.

The third guy got up with a sand wedge and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the rainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the afore mentioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the talons of the eagle squeezed the frog and it dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

When scientists have no more need for God

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.  So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.  The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need You.  We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t have any need for You any more”

God listened very patiently and kindly.  After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this?  Let’s say we have a man-making contest.”

To which the scientist replied, “Okay! Great.”

But God added, “Now we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem!” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “Oh, No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.  They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.  They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.  The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.  So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergy- man in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”   They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.  So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?”  Again the boy made no attempt to answer.  So the clergy- man raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.  God is missing – and they think WE did it!