Funny Facebook and Twitter Valentine’s Day Statuses

… says there is someone for everyone but wasn’t really thinking about you.

… says don’t worry… it’s not contagious.

… says on this Valentines days… Please don’t make me choose between you and dirty movies.

… already killed some helpless flowers for you… what else do you want?

… loves Valentines day, where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.

… wants to remind you that nothing says “I love you” more than somebody else’s words mass produced on re-cycled paper.

… says nothing is more romantic than letting you know that I love you… via this Facebook Status update.

… says, Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, It’s Valentines Day, And I have a hangnail.

Funny Facebook and Twitter Halloween Statuses

… wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don’t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.

… warns you this Halloween to beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, and band saws.

… will have on his tomb stone, “See I told you I was SICK!”

… hopes this Halloween, he doesn’t end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.

… forgot to buy candy for the kids this Halloween but will offer them a bite of his sandwich.

… hopes nobody else dresses up as Justus von Liebig, Father of biochemistry who recorded minerals in plant ash and proposed the law of minimum.

… wonders if Lady Gaga dresses up as a normal person for Halloween???

Top 10 Things to Say About a Christmas Gift you don’t Like

Top 10 things to say about a Christmas gift you do not like:

10. Hey! Now there’s a gift!

9. Well, well, well…

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

4. I love it – but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don’t deserve this.

Higher Level New Years Learning

On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.   As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?” asked the police officer.

“I’m on my way to a lecture,” answered Roger.

“And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?” enquired the constable sarcastically.

“My wife,” slurred Daniel grimly.

Dieting New Year Resolutions

A few years back I began writing down my wife’s New Year’s resolutions.  Here they are:

2007: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2009: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Funny New Year’s Quotes

The following are real New Year’s quotes…

New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. – Mark Twain

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. – Bill Vaughan

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. – P. J. O’Rourke

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution. – Jay Leno

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. – Bill Vaughan

New Year’s Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. – Mark Twain

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. – Anonymous

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. – Oscar Wilde

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other. – Anonymous

Funny New Year’s Resolutions

It’s a new year, time to resolves what you will, or will not do next year.

  1. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
  2. Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
  3. I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
  4. I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
  5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
  6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
  7. I will not hang around girls – they think you love them and that sucks.
  8. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
  9. I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
  10. I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).
  11. I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
  12. Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
  13. Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
  14. Don’t eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
  15. I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.
  16. I will spend less money on buying useless stuff like this new DVD Rewinder I had ordered for christmas.
  17. I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  18. My New Year resolution is: 1024 by 968 pixels!