On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid says, “Yeah.”
The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humouring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the butt on the back of the horse, instead of on top.”
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a local saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on the strangers that visited their town. When the cowboy finished his drink, he waked outside and found his horse had been stolen. He stormed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling of the saloon.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
The locals shifted restlessly in their chairs. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
A man walks into a bar, very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”
The fellow replies, “Well, I’ve got these two horses, and well … I can’t tell them apart. I don”t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender, feeling sorry for the man, tries to think of something he can do.
“Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
The man stops crying and says, “Hey, thanks, that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
“What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be out in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave, says, “Why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that won’t grow back.”
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry a state. Without the bartender even asking, the fellow breaks into a chorus of his problems. “I shaved the mane of one of the horses, and it grew back!”
The bartender, now furious at the man’s general stupidity, yells, “For crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!”
The fellow cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he has just won the lottery. “It worked, it worked!” he exclaims. “I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are sitting in a bar in Texas on one of the hottest days on record and sit down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walks in and says, “Who owns the big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stands up, hitches his gun belt, and says, “I do … why?”
The cowboy looks at the Lone Ranger and says, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead from the heat.”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and sure enough, Silver is ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger gets the horse some water and soon Silver is starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better.”
Tonto says, “Yes, Kemosabe,” and takes off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says … “Nothing, but you left your Injun running.”
A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Oklahoma Hills .
Cowboy: “Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”
Indian: “Dog no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” (pointing at the Indian)
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Really good. Thanks.”
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing to the Indian)
Cowboy: ” How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good. He rides me , brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.”
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Indian: “Sheep lie.”