Phyllis Diller was an American actress and standup comedienne who made an artform out of wisecracking. She was prolific, self-deprecating and slyly radical: Her jokes tended to focus on her failings as a housewife, her lack of sex appeal, and the shortcomings of an imaginary husband (Fang) and overweight mother-in-law.
Here are a few of Phyllis Diller’s famouse funny lines and quotes.
When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… And reduce the crime rate.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, “Who could have done this? We have no enemies.”
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.
Fang can’t stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.
Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn’t mean I’ve been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on me.
Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, “Have you seen where they’re settling?”
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, “There’s a dead bird.” He looked up.
My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, “If you love me, blink your eyes.”
You know you’re getting old when your back starts going out more than you do.
I was born at home on newspapers … I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
