Famous funny Phyllis Diller one-liners and hilarious quotes

Phyllis Diller was an American actress and standup comedienne who made an artform out of wisecracking. She was prolific, self-deprecating and slyly radical: Her jokes tended to focus on her failings as a housewife, her lack of sex appeal, and the shortcomings of an imaginary husband (Fang) and overweight mother-in-law.

Here are a few of Phyllis Diller’s famouse funny lines and quotes.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… And reduce the crime rate.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, “Who could have done this? We have no enemies.”

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.

Fang can’t stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn’t mean I’ve been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on me.

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, “Have you seen where they’re settling?”

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, “There’s a dead bird.” He looked up.

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, “If you love me, blink your eyes.”

You know you’re getting old when your back starts going out more than you do.

I was born at home on newspapers … I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.


Get me a drink before it starts

A man arrives at his home after an exhausting day at work.  He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a drink before it starts.” The wife rolls her eyes, sighs and gets him a drink.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another drink before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another drink and slams it down on the table next to him.

The man finishes that dring and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another drink, it’s going to start any minute.”

By this time, the wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink and sit on your lazy butt in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started …”



Airline introduces half-price fare for wives of businessmen

A popular airline recently introduced a new special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great success and feedback from their marketing promotion, the airline sent out letters to wives of all the businessmen who had used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip.

The airline is befuddled from the hundreds of responses they received from the wives asking, “What trip?”


Yes sir, I’ve been telling him to slow down for miles

A man and his wife were driving down the road when a cop turns on his lights and  pulls them over.  The cop leans into the window and says to the man, “Sir, did you know that you were speeding?”

The man replies, “No sir, I didn’t know I was speeding.”

The man’s wife leans over and yells, “Yes you did.  You knew you were speeding.  I’ve been telling you to slow down for miles.”

“SHUT UP!” the man says to his wife, “Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quiet.”

The cop says, “Well, since I’ve got you pulled over, did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?”

“No Sir” the man replies, “I did not know that”

“WHATEVER!”, his wife yells, “I’ve been telling you to go renew that tag for two whole months now!”

“Shut up” the man yells to his wife again!  “Sit back and shut the hell up.  Mind your own damn business!”

Curious, the cop walks over to the woman’s side of the car, leans in, and asks her, “Does your husband always talk to you this way?”

“No” she replies solemnly, ” Only when he’s been drinking!”


Yeah, that was a good trade

A woman was driving in Northern Arizona when she approached a woman who was hitchhiking. Welcoming the opportunity for a travel companion, the driver stopped and, in the course of their talk, the  woman glanced at a small bag on the front seat.

“If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” the driver said, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The hitchhiker thought for a while, nodded several times and said, “Good trade.”

It Takes a Woman to be a CIA Agent

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.  These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.   After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job.  The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances” they explained.   “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.   Take this gun and kill her.”

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, “You can’t be serious! could never shoot my own wife!”

“Well”, says the CIA man, “You’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.  “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances”, they explained to the second man.  “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her.”

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife.   I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes.   Take your wife and go home.”

Now they’re down to the woman left to test.   Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.  “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair.   Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door.   Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing.  One shot after another for 14 shots.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.  The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.   She wiped the sweat from her brow and said “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!  I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

The control I have over my wife

Three men are talking about their wives. Two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent. After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?”

The third man turns to the first two and says, “Well, I’ll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.”

The first two men are dumbfounded. “Wow! What happened next?” they ask.

The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, “Then she started screaming, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!”

Quick, get the escargot to the party

Frantically readying for a fancy French party, the wife asks the husband if he can run to the store and buy some escargot for the party.  “Sure!”, he says and tears out the door.  On the way he decides to stop at his favorite bar for a quick drink.  After and hour or so, he looks at his watch and suddenly remembers what he was supposed to be doing.  He dashes to the gourmet store , grabs the escargot, and frantically drives home.  When he walks through the door and into his living room, he hears his wife approaching from the kitchen.  He looks around the room for some way out, takes the bag of snails, and quickly throws them on the floor.  When his wife walks into the room he says, “Come on guys, we’re almost there.”