The Husband Store for Impossible Women

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.  “That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more.”  So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.  “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.  “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

Hello? Can I have the Moon?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: “Hello?”

Woman: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

Man: “Yes.”

Woman: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It’s only $1,000.  Is it okay if I buy it, sweetie?”

Man: “Sure… go ahead if you like it that much.

I want you to be happy.”

Woman: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models.  I saw one that I really liked.  It’s a beautiful silver.”

Man: “How much?”

Woman: “$60,000”

Man: “Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

Woman:”Great! Oh, and just one more thing… the house we wanted last year is back on the market.  They’re asking $950,000.”

Man: “Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $895,000.”

Woman: “Okay. Thank you darling — you’re wonderful!  I’ll see you later!  I love you!”

Man: “Bye, I love you too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.   Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Honey, what’s for dinner?

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.  Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.  Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

“That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.  He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”  Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”  No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.  “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”

Can I get a push?

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.  The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.  “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”  He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunken guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.  He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

Missing Husband

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.” The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.