A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. “Doctor, doctor!” he started. I’ve got this problem,” the man continued. “I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Come over here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor. I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 500 women went down on the Titanic.
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance he coached his patients to respond to his commands, and when the day of the game arrived everything went very well… at first.
As the National Anthem started the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts,” and the patients complied, all standing up. After the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts,” and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts.” They all broke into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts,” and they all began booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their responses, the doctor decided to go get a coke and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge of his patients. When he returned there was a near riot in progress, people screaming and cursing.
Finding his frazzled assistant, the doctor asked, “What happened?”
His assistant replied, “Well everything was going just fine, Doc, until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”