Only whores and hockey players live in Minnesota

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man insisted that he did not need a whole head, only half.

The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way.

Later on the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.”

“Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” inquired the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just trashy women and hockey players up there.”

“My wife is from Minnesota”, exclaimed the manager.

The boy instantly replied, “Really! What team did she play for?”


Funny insults

Sometimes you just gotta put ’em in their place.  Here’s a collection of funny, one-line insults to get you started.

How about never? Is never good for you?

You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

Ahhh… I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

His teeth are brighter than he is.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

It’s impossible to believe that the sperm that created you beat out 1,000,000 others.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

If you were any more stupid, you’d have to be watered twice a week.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

When your IQ reaches 50, you should sell.

You may have a “full six-pack” but lack the plastic thing to hold it all together.

Your set low personal standards and then consistently fail to achieve them.

You’re depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Were I king I would not allow you to breed.

You seem to have reached rock bottom and started to dig.

Buddy, I’d call you gay but I’m afraid you’ll hit me with your purse.

I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying

Your wife said she like seafood so I gave her crabs.

If you ever become a mother can I have one of the puppies?

Well, the call it PMS because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here!

I used to think you were a big pain in the neck.  Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

Ah, somebody got up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

Ah, looks like the gene pool could use a little bit of chlorine.

You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.

Give up buddy, you’ll never be the man your mother is.

You’re so old I’ll bet you remember when the Dead Sea was just feeling a little ill.

You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

I heard when you went to the doctor and told him you wanted a wart removed he threw you out of the office.

Your village just called. They’re missing an idiot.