Too early to get married

Bubba was a Tennessee hillbilly who lived way out in the sticks.  One day Bubba decided that he wanted to marry his sweetheart.  So, while enjoying a hearty meal of raccoon and biscuits for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa.

“Bubba, you can’t get married yet,” insisted Ma.  “You’re too young for that!”

“But Ma,” Bubba protested, “I just had my 38th birthday last week.”

“We know that, Bubba,” Pa chimed in, “but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school.”

Will you marry me?

An elderly widow and widower had been dating for over five years.  The oldman finally decided to ask her to marry him.  Without hesitation, she immediately said “yes”.

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was!  “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…”

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call.  Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to his marriage proposal.

“Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”

The unfaithful groom

A young couple are recently married.  Seeking some privacy, the groom asks his new bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own with the condition that she never opens the drawer.  The bride agrees.

After 25 years of marriage, the bride notices that the secret drawer has been left open.  She decides to take a peek and inside the drawer she finds 3 golf balls and $1,000 in cash.

She angrily confronts the husband demanding an explanation.  The husband explains, “Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer to remind me of the indescrtion I made.”

The bride figures that 3 times in 25 years is not so bad but asks, “But what about the $1,000?”

The groom explains, “Whenever I get a dozen golf balls, I sold them.”

 

You cannot marry your half brother

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend to meet her father.  She tells her father that she wants to marry the young man.  After discussing the relationship for a while, the father tells the daughter that she cannot marry the boy because he is her half brother.

Over the course of the next couple of years, this same dilemma occurs five more times.  Each time the girl brought a boy home to meet the father, the father revealed that the boy was her half brother.

After a while, the girl starts to get very angry.  She storms into the kitchen and confronts the mother.  “Mom, what the hell have you been doing all your life?  Dad’s been going around town and having kids with the ladies in the city and now there are five boys that I’ve loved very much and cannot marry them because they are my half brothers!”

Her mom smiles slyly and says, “Don’t worry darling, you can marry any one of them.  He isn’t really your father.”

 

Marry my Daughter or Spend Twenty Years in Jail

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.  She put on her robe and went downstairs.  He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.  He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.  She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter dear?  Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

“Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes, I do,” she replied.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter and make her a respectable woman, or spend twenty years in jail?”

“Yes, I do,” she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know . . . I would have gotten out today.”

Jake’s Dying Confession to his Wife

Jake was dying.  His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.  She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.  Her praying roused him from his slumber.  He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.  “My darling Becky,” he whispered.

“Hush, my love,” she said.  “Rest. Shhh, don’t talk.”

He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice.  “I . . . I have something I must confess to you.”

“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky.  “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”

“No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I . . . I once kissed your Sister, held hands with your best friend, and went on a date with your Mother!”

“I know” Becky whispered softly. “That’s why I poisoned you.”

The control I have over my wife

Three men are talking about their wives. Two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent. After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?”

The third man turns to the first two and says, “Well, I’ll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.”

The first two men are dumbfounded. “Wow! What happened next?” they ask.

The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, “Then she started screaming, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!”